More confusion

(Big Block workings, week 12/13)

On the Sunday after I had met Freyr in a dream for the first time (that I know of), Loki pulled a really sneaky one on me.
After a work session, I heard Him say: Freyr.
“Wait, what?”
Freyr.
“Are you telling me it was Freyr sexing me??”
Yes. *sense of smugness*
“Was Freyr ok with joining in without my knowledge or consent?”
No
“Ah, you talked Him into it, didn’t you…”
Yes. *more smugness*
“You persuaded Him, saying that you knew I’d be ok with it, after all…”
*smug agreement*

And surprisingly enough, I was ok with it. I asked a couple of more questions, and Freyr would from now on help Loki with his work, and help in healing me as the last bits are crushed, and traumatic memories would surface.
Freyr will also help with protecting me, if needed, when Loki is needed elsewhere. The less blocked I am, the more “shiny” I become to deities and spirits, and this may attract unwanted attention, which I’m not able to deal with myself, yet. Freyr wants to help protect me as part of making up for His part in the tragedy of my former life. He feels guilty about it, and wants to redeem Himself in my eyes, and Loki’s, even though Loki have forgiven Him.
Loki wanted me to bond with Freyr, for protection, among other things, and I am ok with that, too. After Loki explained what had happened in that former life, I found that there was no reason for me to feel anger towards Freyr. I have forgiven Him for His part in the tragedy. The major part was my own doing, my own choices.

The unexpected effect of having Freyr join in, was that I became much more open spiritually. It was a snowball effect.
First I could hear Loki again. Then I could hear Him more strongly, and hear more than sense, so that we could actually start to have conversations.
I also began to be able to hear other deities.

I see I have forgotten to mention more confusing complications that happened after Freyr showed up.
I had thought that my wish for exclusivity had been accepted. I had given my ancestors my wishes for the bridal negotiations on the same day (Wednesday) that they talked with me via Bridget, because Freyr had approached them about permission to be a suitor.
On Saturday morning, I get a “telegram” from Loki (as we call the messages He gives me via a friend, which she e-mails me). It was where He told me that He would dearly like me to forgive Freyr and give Him a chance.
I didn’t mention that Loki in that message “promoted” polyamory, saying things like “Polyamory is good among gods” and “Polyarmory is good, we gods are all different”. He told me that He’d always allow me to have sex with Freyr, because Freyr is a very good friend, and that sex with Freyr would be good for me.
So not what I wanted to hear after I had told both my ancestors and Loki I wanted exclusivity. I was also terribly confused: Loki had wanted that I’d be exclusive with Him, too, so why was He suddenly promoting polyamory and practically pushing me into Freyr’s arms?

Three days after Freyr joined in with working on me, I clearly heard Loki one morning, saying I should contact Bridget, because my ancestors had a message for me. I couldn’t yet speak with my ancestors at that time.
I did, and she talked to one of my Disir, who told me that Freyr had just asked for my hand in marriage, and she wanted to know how I felt about that and what my answer was.
“Bwa?” was my first intelligent response…
I asked Loki if He was ok with this, because during the bridal negotiations, we had both put a wish about exclusivity on the table. He said that if He weren’t, He’d have “shot it down in the negotiations”.
Wait, what?
How do you go from wanting exclusivity, to promoting polyamory, to allowing me to have another husband in three days?
My Dis said that I could also choose to have Freyr as a consort. She kept stressing that I would be better with both, since I am more open with Freyr in the mix.
I’ve only met Freyr for a couple of minutes in one dream, and He wasn’t even looking like “Himself” (as I remembered from the past life); He masqueraded as a girl in my class that I had a crush on in secondary school. How am I supposed to be able to say yes or no to a proposal from a stranger?
I told my Disir that I’d be ok with Freyr courting me, but that I would have to get to know Him properly before making any decision.

I did not feel at all pushed by both Disir and Loki. Oh, no…

Cue a lot of confusion and flailing.
Why had Loki allowed Freyr to propose? I wouldn’t need to have any formal relationship with Him to bond for protection, or to work with Him. Was it because Frey is His beloved friend?
What did Loki really want?
What did I want? Did I really want another husband or a consort?
If I had two husbands, I’d have to share time equally between them to be fair. I didn’t want that. Loki is the love of my life and the centre of my universe. I want to give Him as much of my time and attention as I can.
I decided I didn’t really want a consort, either, because that would also mean obligations to split my time between two.
I came to the decision – which I told my Disir and Freyr – that I’d be ok with Frey courting me to maybe become my lover, but no more. It’s impossible to tell how things will evolve, but I hope we can become friends, for Loki’s sake.

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
This entry was posted in Blocks and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to More confusion

  1. moonfire2012 says:

    I hope Loki can be more clear about what he wants, for your sake. Also show consistency in his love for you.

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