Loki first came to me in a dream in November 2010.
In February 2011 He told me He wanted us to get married in a dream. I though He was joking at first. At that time I didn’t know anything about godspouses. He appeared to me in dreams the next two nights, repeating that He wanted us to get married. He suggested August the same year, but, He said, He could wait if I needed more time to make a decision.
He had seduced me in a dream in early February, and I was already in love with Him, so I agreed to marry Him.
I started preparing for the wedding. I bought a new dress, new jewelry, a heart shaped bowl with room for three tea candles, and a box with Forever written on the lid. I bought us matching silver and garnet Claddagh rings. I wrote my wedding oath. I was finished preparing at the beginning of June.
By June I had begun to be able to hold brief conversations with Him in the morning while I was in the state of hypnogogia, that deep trance like state between being asleep and awake. He came to me in hypnogogia at the end of June and asked if we could get married in June. I agreed. We decided on a date, June 25th.
At midnight on the 25th, I made a meal which I shared with Loki. He commented: “You can cook!”.
I lit three candles and held the wedding ceremony kneeling by His altar. He didn’t speak to me again. I put on the wedding ring, and placed His ring in the box with Forever on the lid, and placed the box on His altar.
That summer I found the blog of a woman who claimed to be a Lokean godspouse. Let’s call her Hanna. I reached out to her, and we soon became friends. She was much further along than me spiritually. She could hear Loki clearly and often. She was also an accomplished witch.
She helped me communicate with Loki, since I could only hear Him briefly in hypnogogia.
After some months, she told me that Loki said I needed to see a councilor. I was confused. I was already seeing a psychiatrist, had been since 2005. I assumed she meant a spiritual councilor.
So, I went to a shamanic practitioner, who led me through a past life regression meditation.
I saw myself as a woman in late Medieval times, judging by the clothing. I was married to Loki, but He had been absent for years.
One day I saw a beautiful, blonde god who was surrounded by a golden shimmer. It was Freyr. He was very kind and loving, and He seduced me. After some months of bliss, I came to my senses, and realised I had been unfaithful to Loki. I was devastated and believed that Loki would never forgive me. The vision went dark after that, and I had the impression that I killed myself.
I was very upset after I had this vision. I was depressed for a weeks.
I talked often to Hanna. She kept telling me about all the sex she had with Loki. I was envious, I wanted to have sex with Him, too.
In the beginning of January 2012, Hanna told me to call on Loki while I masturbated, to summon Him to me. I began chanting Loki’s name every time I masturbated, which was often (I had a high libido back then): After a couple of weeks, I felt Him lightly touch me sexually for the first time. That went on for a couple of weeks. Then one evening, I felt His energy penetrate me for the first time. It wasn’t like mortal sex. His energy didn’t move once it penetrated me. Instead it swelled, filling me up, and began to pulse, stimulating pleasure spots inside me that I hadn’t even known I had. It put me in and ecstatic trance, which lasted about an hour. Loki began to have sex with me every evening, until about mid March.
Then it suddenly stopped.
I was worried, and I asked Hanna if she could ask Loki why it stopped. (I hadn’t had any dream visits since Loki first touched me sexually, nor did He speak to me in hypnogogia anymore. Hanna said that was because He wanted me to focus on sensing Him while I was awake.).
Hanna said that my ancestors had forced Loki to stop having sex with me, because Freyr had approached them and was negotiating a marriage contract for me. My ancestors didn’t want Loki whisking me away while I was in ecstatic trance, to marry me Elsewhere.
I was terribly upset. I was very angry and scared. Freyr had caused me to be unfaithful to Loki, and to to kill myself in a past life. How could He go behind my back to negotiate a marriage contract with my ancestors without my consent! I wanted nothing to do with Freyr. I was also angry with Loki for allowing this to happen.
I talked with another friend who was also a Lokean spouse. She told me that Loki told her to tell me to give Freyr a chance, that He would be good for me. I still didn’t want to have anything to do with Freyr.
Hanna told me that Fenrir had also approached my ancestors, and asked for my hand. I was curious. I had met Fenrir twice in my dreams, once as a large, black wolf, and once as a young man with long, black hair. He had been kind to me both times, and seemed amused by me.
Loki told me via Hanna that I should start bonding with Fenrir, that He would help protect me. I was to bond with Him sexually.
After that the sex started up again. It was a bit different, but still lasted for an ecstatic hour. I assumed the difference was because it was Fenrir.
After I started having sex with Fenrir, I began to be able to hear Loki, Fenrir and Freyr when I was awake. I was overjoyed! It was mostly Loki I talked to. We spoke every day for two months.
Then in mid May, everything suddenly stopped.
I had told my ancestors in the evening that I accepted Fenrir and Fryer as my Husbands. The next day none of Them spoke to me, and there was no sex in the evening.
I had no idea what had happened. Had I angered Loki by accepting Fenrir and Freyr as my Husbands? He had encouraged it!
Days paassed, with no interactions. Days became weeks, weeks became months.
I became very depressed. I didn’t understand why Loki and the Others stopped speaking to me.
Loki appeared to me in dreams a couple of times a year after 2012, but He never explained why everything stopped.
Fast forward to last year. I was speaking to my good friend Rachel, who is a Thor’s woman and has interacted with Loki. She tried to tell me that she thought that some of the time I had interacted with Loki in 2012, it had actually been an impostor. I became very angry. Was she trying to ruin my good experience?
Rachel recommended I talk to her friend Nina, who is a Lokean spouse and a diviner. I asked her if she could divine anything about the four months I had been so close to Loki in 2012.
Nina told me I had been dealing with an impostor! A demonic, vampiric entropic entity that thrived on emotional turmoil and misery. She also told me that the past life vision had been sent to me from the impostor, to make me miserable so that it could feed off of me. In fact, she said, Freyr had never been involved at all, nor Fenrir.
I was in shock. I felt so used.
The interactions stopped because the real Loki cut me off from the impostor.
Nina told me that the impostor had been one of Hanna’s familiars, feeding off of me for her. She said that she doubted if Hanna had ever dealt with the real Loki. I’m still very angry at Hanna. I was very naive. I trusted her.
I wasn’t the only one Hanna mislead, with false messages from a fake Loki.
I’m very angry and bitter. Hanna abused my trust and my friendship.
I won’t trust that easily ever again.