Freakout – Flailing, Confusion and Angsting

This post might be a bit rambling, as I still haven’t managed to pull all of my mind in order…

Turns out I was right; after “Loki being silly” came dreams two nights in a row (Wednesday and Thursday night) that were very disturbing.
It lead to some major flailing and confusion and angsting. If what Loki showed me was true, surely I would have had a hint of memory of it, or showed some signs of it? In the morning when I noticed His presence, I asked Him something like: “Is this really true/real?” and He answered: “I’m afraid so”.

I tried a couple of rune readings. What I got from it was that the message was misunderstood.
Did it mean that these disturbing dreams were just dreams? (If they were, why the hell did my subconscious throw this at me?) Did it mean that Loki had sent these dreams? But  were they symbolic or literal?
So, I was flailing and wondering, if I had repressed memories and false memories, could I trust all of my other memories? What was true and what wasn’t? If what the dreams alluded to was literal and true, how could I ever trust anyone or anything,or really be safe anywhere ever again?
The longer all these thoughts span in my mind, the further I felt away from reality, until I was just touching the ground/reality with the tip of a toe. I began to question both my memories and my faith; wasn’t anything I’d experienced with Loki real either?

I was flailing at Bridget two nights in a row (Saturday and Sunday). She did a couple of rune readings to try and help me sort it out.

The first evening Loki commented to Bridget: “Why would I send my wife disturbing dreams for the hell of it?”
But what did that mean exactly?
The disturbing dreams were just dreams and not sent by Loki?
Loki did send the dreams? Again there was the problem of: literal or symbolic meaning? Alluding to something from this life or a past life where we were also together?
Bridget’s interpretation of the rune reading was that it was a message from Loki. She thought it might have to do with my past life.
Unfortunately I was too freaked out to think clearly, and got hung up on the idea that this were literal dreams about something that had happened to me in the past, of which I had no memory.
Loki said (via Bridget) I should go see a counsellor.
What the hell kind of councillor do you see about a problem like this?
Counsellor: “So, tell me about your problem.”
Me: “Well, I had these really disturbing dreams two nights in a row, and I’m afraid I have repressed memories of childhood molestation.” [And my divine Husband told me to go see a councillor… er, I think I’ll not mention that…]
Yeah, that’s going to go over well, considering most shrinks don’t seem to even believe there is such a thing as “repressed memories”.

On Sunday I talked to my mum about the dreams and my fears, and she helped to remind me of how it had been. It’s extremely unlikely that I had dreamt about something that literally happened, in my childhood.
I tried a couple of more rune readings, and got trial/ordeal and betrayal/crisis.
I asked Bridget to help me again, with rune readings. It seemed that it was symbolical, and past life related.
So maybe it’s a hint about what I’ll experience if  manage to remember my past life with Loki.
Loki used familiar people and settings from my current life to show me something. I think it must be the feelings the scenario evoked that is relevant, then. Shock, horror, profound betrayal and wrongness.

Come to think of it, Loki didn’t say what kind of councillor I should go see, so He may have meant a spiritual councillor and not a shrink. Also, if I had phrased my question to Him: “Is this really real?”, His answer might have meant, yes, it is not just a dream, but a message.
I am going to see a spiritual councillor of sorts at the end of October, when I’m going to try a regression therapy session to see if I can remember anything about this past life that I’ve had with Loki.*

Currently I’m worried that the shock and freak-out caused by those dreams might have made me slam my barriers shut tight again…


* More on this in a future post.

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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One Response to Freakout – Flailing, Confusion and Angsting

  1. Pingback: About the Big Block | Fire and Ink

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