I told Loki that if I could have a birthday wish from Him, it would be to meet Him in the Dreaming. And He fulfilled my wish! I’m so happy!
It was a long dream with several segments. It took place over several dream-days. Each time I half awoke, turned over and fell asleep again, the dream continued. That’s rare.
It’s interesting that dream meetings with Loki often happens in a twilight landscape. Maybe it’s because He’s a liminal Being?
I met Loki in a house in the Dreaming. Once again He choose to disguise Himself as Tom Hiddlestone with long, black hair. (What is it with Loki and Tom Hiddleston? I’m not a Hiddels-Loki or Hiddlestone fangirl. I’m a bit weirded out each time He choose this disguise.)
We sat on a sofa, drinking tea and talking a lot, and struck up a friendship.
Then there were several scenes where I wandered around in a twilight landscape, looking for Loki and calling His name. Sometimes He would show up, sometimes He wouldn’t.
I tried asking Him things like: “Why is it so difficult for us?”, “Why won’t you speak to me or touch me in the Dreaming”, “Why do you treat me differently than your other wives?” and “Why do we just have a platonic relationship?”.
Each time I tried to talk to Him, He’d fade and disappear. It made me very frustrated and confused.
I told Tom-Loki about my communication problems. He told me I should try to approach Loki in the Never-never (Faerie) rather than in the Dreaming, since it was a higher astral plane. He told me there were pixies in the nearby forest in the Dreaming. I had to gather pixie dust, about the size of a sugar cube. Then I had to eat it, and it would make me able to astral travel properly, to the Never-never. Tom-Loki then told me that I could only eat pixie dust three nights in a row. Any more than that, and I would experience side-effects, like the boundaries between the Never-never and walking life becoming blurred, which would give me problems similar to hallucinations. I would have to wait several months before I could safely try again.
“What if Loki just disappears on me again?” I asked Tom-Loki.
“Try not talking to Him. Don’t ask Him questions. Just show Him you love Him,” He answered. “You’re blocking yourself, you know,” He added, “You’re afraid He hasn’t forgiven you.”
This is what I was afraid Loki hadn’t forgiven:
Almost two years ago, I could hear Loki and feel Him touch me. We had energetic joinings and an exchange of energy as He worked on me. This lasted about half a year. Then everything just stopped; I could no longer feel him or hear Him, and I felt that He had abandoned me. At that time I got problems with fits of rage, where I would lash out at people who I felt treated me unfairly.
I got so furious with Loki that I loudly declared both by His altar and the altar to my ancestors that I wanted a separation, and I took off my marriage oath ring and dismantled Loki’s altar. I regretted it the next day, so I put my oath ring back on and set up Loki’s altar again. I was appalled at my own behaviour.
Since then I lived in fear. I was afraid I had done something unforgivable, that I had broken my marriage oath, and breaking an oath is Serious Business with the old Norse gods. I begged Loki to forgive me, but I had no way of knowing if He did, since I couldn’t hear Him anymore.
When I had my breakdown, I was for many months afraid that I was being punished by Loki. I was on my knees, crying and begging for forgiveness many times.
Back to the dream:
I went out into the twilight forest and gathered enough pixie dust for three doses.
The first night I put the pixie dust on my tongue. It dissolved quickly. Then I took a few steps sideways, and moved into the Never-never. I found myself in another twilight landscape. I was standing in a small valley, surrounded by low, grassy hills and a vast forest. I called out to Loki, asking him to come and meet me. And He appeared a little distance from me. He seemed wary; I don’t know why He should be. I walked closer to Him and held out my hands. He took them in His. The first night we just held hands and looked at each other.
The second night I stepped into the Never-never, into the same valley. I called out to Loki and He appeared, much closer to me. I stepped closer to Him and hugged Him, and He hugged me back.
The second night we just held each other.
The third night I visited the Never-never again. I called out to Loki and He appeared, wreathed in fire. When the fire went down, I walked up to Him. I put my hands lightly against each side of His face, and gave Him a gentle, brief kiss. He embraced me and kissed me back, just as gently.
“This is the last night,” I said softly to Him.
“I know,” He said and smiled gently.
The third night we kissed a bit, gentle almost chaste kisses, and held each other. I rested my head against Loki’s chest and He gently stroked my hair.
After that I awoke.