I wrote about the Saboteur several times in 2012. Like here and here. Short version: I was kidnapped at a young age and sexually tortured until I my mind broke. I ended up killing myself. My soul sharded due to the trauma, and the shard became the Saboteur. I thought that it was Loki telling me this story, but it turned out to be a story told to me by the Saboteur. Loki told me that the Saboteur told half truths.
I also wrote about it once in August 2014: I did a search and looked through all posts I’ve made about the Saboteur, and discovered a new and different origin story I had written in August 2014. Funny thing is, I can’t even remember having written that post, and I had completely forgotten about it.
In this version, the Saboteur was created in this life. Short version: I have a very dark side and I have suppressed this for decades, feeling guilty about it, and my shadow self turned into the Saboteur. I thought it was Loki telling me this story, but it turned out to be the Saboteur impersonating Loki, again. It probably wanted to make me feel bad about myself, and guilty, and that I was to blame for the creation of the Saboteur.
This is the story I got from Nornoriel‘s past life reading:
(I was very surprised to learn that I hadn’t been human, and that I had been royalty; I’ve always thought that my past lives were mostly just as a human commoner.)
The lifetime in which the Saboteur was created was the life immediately prior to this one.
In this lifetime I was born female. I was not human – I was some sort of elf, possibly Ljossalfar. My name was Alaika, which is Ljossalf for “red jewel”, similar to a ruby. (My hair was red in that lifetime.)
I was some sort of royalty. I was also sent away from my home and my people at a young age to live in another land, with a group of fae. It was the land of the Sidhe, the Fall Court. I was supposed to marry a fae prince, and have a sacred marriage with him that would bless the fae land and also solidify an alliance between that fae realm and my elven people. I was regarded as being very powerful and magickal in my own right.
I met Loki and the plans for the arranged marriage to the fae man went through; I broke off the arranged marriage and married Loki instead. Loki made me a Queen, a royal consort. “Queen” is the rough translation of a title (“Hagia”) that is used to mean “important woman connected with the magick in the Land”.
There was very potent magick in my union with Loki and we were formally married by a priest of the fae people. It looked, at first like everybody in the fae realm was fine with this and thought it would be a good thing, and that the two of us belonged together. I continued to live in the fae realm after I had married Loki.
Turned out not everyone was happy about it, though, especially the family of the fae prince I was supposed to marry; they took it as a personal insult that I had broken off the arranged marriage, and they harboured resentment towards me and Loki both.
Things started to go badly after I married Loki. There was a drought and a blight on the land, a great famine, and a plague. My marriage to Loki was blamed for this, even though it was actually not because of me and Loki but was because of magicians employed by the family of the fae man I was supposed to marry.
One of the magicians, who was very powerful and a master of disguises and impersonations, decided to use magick to impersonate Loki and tortured and raped me repeatedly. This caused a tremendous amount of psychological pain. One day I found a way to fight back against the magician, killing him, and then killing myself afterwards because of how much pain I was in. In the act of both of us dying together, a piece of my soul wound up fusing with a piece of the magician’s soul and creating the Saboteur, which attached itself to me.
It was only just before I killed the magician that I saw through his disguise.
Loki tried to find me, but the magician had kidnapped me and hid me magickally; it was very strong magick.
So the Saboteur was created by the trauma, and contains the traumatized shard of me from that previous lifetime who was repeatedly raped and tortured, and a shard of the magician’s soul who did that to me, impersonating Loki. This now explains why the Saboteur has tried to impersonate Loki and screw up my relationship with him, and has influenced self-harm behaviours – it is still carrying out the magician’s work, and is also carrying the energy of my past incarnation blaming myself for what happened (even though it was not my fault).
The Saboteur also seems to be feeding off of any distress and psychological pain in this incarnation, so it’s like a parasitic egregore (an astral thoughtform construct) in that sense as well. Even though it originated from me and the magician, it has become a separate entity of it’s own.
Loki has been working on getting rid of it since about January 2012. (Se previous post.)