On Freyr, and on being broken.

Back in autumn 2011 I had a life tree divination with runes done. A rune for Freyr popped up, and it seemed like He was a part of my wyrd.

In October 2011, I went and did a guided past life regression meditation. I saw bits of a life in the middle ages, where I was Loki’s wife. Loki had been gone for years, and I felt abandoned and alone. Then Freyr showed up and started courting me. I let myself be seduced, and had an affair with Him; He swept me off my feet. When I came to my senses, I realised I had been unfaithful to Loki. I thought I had ruined our relationship beyond repair. I was filled with despair and ended up killing myself.

During the first quarter of 2012, Loki worked intensely on my Big Block. Then He suddenly stopped, and I asked a friend who is a Lokean spirit worker what was going on. She told me that my Disir had stopped Loki working on me, because Freyr had come to them and asked for permission to court me, because He was still in love with me.
I freaked out. I was angry with Freyr for having seduced me in that past life, when I was weak (and I was angry with myself for allowing myself to be seduced). I wanted nothing to do with Him.

Loki sent me a message via another Lokean friend and spirit worker, where He asked me to forgive Freyr, that what happened hadn’t been Freyr’s fault (I didn’t quite get that, did Loki mean the fault had been entirely my own?). He practically pushed me at Freyr, saying that He was a god I could trust and love, and that He would be good for me. I was very disappointed. I had wanted Loki to say that I should belong only to Him.
Loki kept encouraging me to forgive Freyr and give Him a chance. I said that I only wanted one Husband, and my Disir told me that since I was a Queen (part of my path is that of scared queenship), I could have Consorts in addition to a Husband. They were very eager for me to accept Freyr.

Freyr came to me in a dream, in March, and told me He was sorry for what had happened in that previous life. Face to face with Him, I discovered that I wasn’t angry with Him any more, and I hugged Him and told Him I forgave Him.

4 days later my Disir told me that Freyr had asked for my hand in marriage, and that bridal negotiations was going on. I asked Loki via a Lokean spirit worker if He was really ok with Freyr courting me, and He said that if He hadn’t been, He’d have shot it down at the negotiation table. I was very confused.
It was still way too fast for me to accept Freyr’s proposal. I told Them that I could accept Freyr courting me, but that I needed time to see if I wanted to say yes to Him being my consort.

I couldn’t (still can’t) sense presences, or difference in presences, so Loki actually tricked me into having sex with Freyr. He told me afterwards that it had been Freyr and not Him. To my surprise, I wasn’t angry.
Connecting with Freyr on such an intimate level opened me up and I began to be able to hear my gods while being completely awake. Loki was right about Freyr being good for me.

I was courted by both  Frey and Fenrir from March until May 2012. I fell in love with both of Them and told my gods and my Disir that I accepted Them as my Consorts.
And my connection to my gods was immediately cut off.
I didn’t understand what had happened, and I began to think that it had all been a test from Loki, to see if I would remain faithful, and that I had seriously failed the test, and that He was angry with me.

I had several divinations done back in 2012, but they were sometimes contradictory, so I got very confused.

I’ve just asked Nornoriel to channel Loki for me, and ask if He was telling the truth about wanting me to also be with Freyr, or if it had been a test.
In Loki’s message to me, He said that He did genuinely want me to also have Freyr as a Consort. It hadn’t been a test. He believes that Freyr has much to contribute to my life. He wants me to feel ok with it, and told me that it is my choice, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to also have Freyr (and Fenrir) in my life. I know that Loki and Freyr are very good friends.

When it comes to the issue of the connection being cut, Loki said that it was caused by an attack from a malevolent entity. He said that the damage that the entity did to my spiritual connections is going to take awhile to heal. It’s also affected by my mental health issues.
He asked that I have patience and continue to reach out in the ways that I can, and that I may need to try different ways of connecting with Them.  He compared it to breaking bones after an accident and having to start using those limbs again a little at a time.  He said this is no fault of mine.

This whole thing has made me realise I need to learn to trust Loki more, and not be a bit  paranoid and think that everything is a test.

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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