Fallow times

Fallow times are also called the dark night of the soul. It’s a time of spiritual, mental and emotional anguish. Fallow times are when you loose all contact with your gods.

I experienced that from May until late October 2012, then from early November 2012 until January 2014.

Loki is the centre of my universe, the light in my life, my dearly Beloved. In 2012 I was the closest I had ever been to Him. We often had bonding sessions (astral sex on this plane). I could hear Him talk to me. I could feel Him touch me and work on my chakras to open me up.
Then everything just stopped. It was like our connection had been cut like a pair of scissors cuts a cord.
There were no external factors to explain what had happened. There were no sudden stress or illness that could have blocked me. Our connection was just gone, and I had no idea why.
At first I was angry and confused. How could Loki abandon me like that, when He knew how much I loved Him?
Then I became anguished and wondered: had I done something wrong? Was Loki angry with me?
Then I became very depressed. Being without my Beloved was agony. I mourned the loss of our close connection.

In October 2012, when I did a modern version of utiseta (fasting, meditating and staying awake until you connect with your gods), I became able to hear Loki again. It lasted for about 10 days. I lost the connection again when my mind became flooded with voices (from spirits?).
During 2013 I had four brief dream visits from Loki, but He never spoke to me. That was all the interaction I had with Him that year. I may have been blocked by my illness from connecting with Him when I was awake.
In January 2014, I began to sense Loki’s presence again, and He began to send me energies.
Loki visited me in my dreams four times in 2014. He spoke to me in one dream, and said that He just wanted us to be friends, for now. I don’t understand why; He’s my Husband.
In October 2014, Loki visited me in hypnagogia and held me, for the first time since 2011.

So what do you do when fallow times hits, and you loose your connection with your god(s)? The best advice I can give is that you hold on to hope. You hold on to your faith. You teach yourself to be patient.
It also helps to learn about and practise self-compassion and mindfulness.
It’s not easy; the question “Did I do something wrong?” still lurks in my mind.
I try to practise mindfulness; to be present in the moment without judgement. To allow myself to feel and not put a lid on my emotions, but at the same time try to not be overwhelmed by emotions.
When anxiety about the past or the future threatens to overwhelm me. I use my breath to centre myself and calm myself. I breath slowly and deeply in and out and focus on letting go of my anxiety. I try to meditate and focus on just being, and let go of my feelings.

I still can’t hear Loki, and he rarely visits my dreams. Sometimes I can feel Him touch my head lightly; His way of saying “hi”.
I still miss the closeness we had in 2012.
I also wish I knew why He abandoned me. Was it a test? Is it still a test?
Will we ever get as close again as we once were? I don’t know.
I’ve contacted a spiritworker and I hope that he can help me find out why Loki abandoned me in 2012. I also hope that he can help me find out if there is anything I can do to bring Loki and I closer again.