Once upon a time (fall of 2011), I was told by Loki (via a Lokean spiritworker), that I had a Big Block. I was told that this Big Block stemmed from a deep, sexual trauma in a previous life. This Block blocked my “talents”, I was told.
Loki sent me some very disturbing nightmares, in October 2011, which, I was told, served to draw the Big Block up to the surface so He could begin working on it.
Loki told me He had to be very careful working on the Block, so that no past life memories connected to it would be triggered. He told me that He was removing the memories, so that there would be no chance of me reliving it. He also told me that breaking through the Block too soon could affect me on more than one level; physically, mentally and spiritually.
After January 2012, Loki called on Odin to help Him with the “tricky bits”.
For some months I helped working on the Block. During meditation, I visualised being in a tunnel deep underground, and that the Block was a thick wall of ice blocking the tunnel. I visualised attacking this Block with a pickaxe, then with a flame thrower.
In February 2012, while I was in ecstatic trances, I received horrible visions of people being sexually tortured, often to death. Was this a side-effect of Loki working on the Block? I don’t know. I wish I knew what the point of these visions were.
In the visions, I observed what was going on from a distance. It seemed to be in murkily lit caves or dungeons. There were no sounds. A few times the visions were so horrible and grotesque that I had to break the trance and run to the bathroom, because I felt I was going to throw up. During the same period I also had horrible nightmares.
Loki told me to stop working on the Block; He said He would work on the rest of it himself.
I began to be able to hear Loki in March, I think it was, and with the aid of Freyr, I was able to hear Him more clearly. I could also communicate with Freyr and Fenrir. (I had had some problems with spirits harassing me, and Loki told me I could call on Fenrir for protection. It worked.) I also connected to the house spirits, and talked with them.
I was told that this Block prevented Loki from pulling me Elsewhere during meditation. (I was still able to go Elsewhere a couple of times while I was in an ecstatic trance induced by Loki.)
I asked Loki (via a spiritworker), if He could tell me when He would crush what remained of the Big Block. I was told before May 1st.
May 1st came and went, and nothing was different.
Then I was told it would happen in July. And still nothing happened.
And then Loki abandoned me.
I became severely depressed. I wish I knew why He abandoned me-
I asked Loki (via a spiritworker), in October 2012, what to do and He told me that He wanted me to fast and meditate for a week. I thought this was a preparation for Him crushing the Block. I remembered reading about “utiseta”, where a spiritworker/shaman would sit and meditate and fast and stay awake until they had received a vision from the gods. So, I asked if staying awake would help, and was told that it would. I was too desperate to reconnect with Loki to consider that staying awake for several days might be unhealthy.
On the fourth day I began to hear Loki again.
A week and a half later, Loki asked me if I wanted to know what it was like being a spiritworker. I said that I wasn’t sure if that was anything for me, but I could try. It felt like a dam broke; suddenly my mind was flooded with and overwhelmed by voices.
Did this mean that Loki had finally crushed the Block? I don’t know.
The voices became more intense, and I realised I had absolutely no control. I couldn’t make them shut up; they talked to me constantly.
It broke me, and in desperation, I had myself committed to a mental hospital, in early November 2012. I stayed there for three months, while they tested out anti-psychotics on me. I hoped that they would find one that would shut the voices up.
I’ve been told that gods and spirits use our “inner voice generator” to speak to us, and that anti-psychotics shut that down.
In May 2013, they finally found a combination of meds that shut the voices out.
A new voice appeared, but I learned to block that one out, too, in time.
I have had more than one spiritworker /shaman say that I have had “shaman sickness” and that I went on the madness road to spiritworking/shamanism. Am I meant to be a spiritworker? I have no idea.
Did hearing spirits and being overwhelmed trigger a psychotic episode? Or was it spirits I was hearing all along? I don’t know.
I am still blocked. I think I may have blocked myself again, in an effort to block the voices out.
I still can’t hear Loki. I can’t trance properly when I meditate. I can’t sense energy, apart from when Loki sends me energies, or when I do candle spells.
I don’t know how much the anti-psychotics may be blocking me. I need to be voice free for at least six months before I can begin to reduce the meds.
In the mean time, I’ll just have to be very patient.