I read a lot of mythology as a child. I was most fascinated by Egyptian, Norse and Greek mythology. I didn’t believe in any gods, though.
When I was 15 I attended obligatory Bible studies before our Confirmation in the Lutheran church. I really wanted to believe in Jesus and the Christian God.
I expected to have a spiritual experience when the priest laid his hands on our heads and blessed us. When he did so, there was absolutely nothing. I decided that religions were humbug and that gods didn’t exist.
When I was 20, I began to read mythology again. I thought there might be gods, but I wasn’t sure. I decided that, being a feminist, I didn’t want to follow a male deity. I began to worship the Goddess. I was a soft polytheist, and believed that all deities were just aspects of one greater, divine force. I worshipped the Goddess in Her forms as Bast and Sekhmet, mostly because I had grown up with cats and adored them.
I never felt any spiritual connection to Them, so I became an agnostic in my late 20s.
When I was 31, in 1997, I had my first spiritual experience. One morning when I was balacing right between being asleep and awake, in that trance like state called hypnagogia, I felt a man lying against my back, with an arm around my waist. I knew that it couldn’t be a physical man, because my bed wasn’t wide enough for two, so it must be a spirit man. I thought: “This feels familiar. This is nice.”, and I fell asleep again.
This male spirit/entity would come at random and cuddle with me in the morning. He never gave me any images of himself, nor did he ever speak with me. I thought if him as “the entity in my bed”.
I was still an agnostic.
When I was 44, in 2010, I was inspired by the tv show “Supernatural” to read up on Norse mythology. The show featured an angel, Gabriel, who had masqueraded as the Norse trickster god Loki. I wrote some fan fiction myself and wanted to portray Gabriel/Loki as a Trickster.
During the autumn of 2010, I chatted a lot with a Pagan friend who had a Greek Patron god, and had worked with Loki.
I began, for no apparent reason, to wonder if I had a Patron god.
In November 2010, I prayed before going to bed. First I prayed to the Divine and asked if I had any Patron or Matron deity, and if I did, if whoever it was would visit me in my dreams. Then I prayed to Loki, and basically said: “You’re my favourite deity. Would you like to work with me? I would like to work with You”.
A couple of weeks later, in December, Loki visited my dreams for the first time.
I realised that gods were real, and that they are separate, individual entities; I became a hard polytheist.
I kept asking Him: “Are you my Patron? Or can you show me Who is?”
On January 10th 2011, Loki Claimed me beyond doubt in a dream visit. I remember I wrote in my journal: “I have a Patron god; His name is Loki, and I’m madly in love with Him”.
The male, cuddly entity came back, and this time he gave me an image of himself, and it was Loki! The sly fox had been with me for years, before officially announcing Himself, when I invited Him into my life.
I think that when I began, as an agnostic, to wonder if I had a Patron/Matron deity, that it was a subtle nudge from Loki.
In February 2011, Loki told me in a dream visit, three nights in a row, that He wanted us to get married. In the first dream He put a plain silver ring with His name engraved on the inside, on my left ring finger. He originally wanted us to get married in August, but when I was done with the shopping for the wedding and had written the ritual, in June, He asked: “Can we get married next week, on Saturday?” And so I held the wedding ritual on June 25th.
I had bought a claddagh ring, silver with a garnet heart, to symbolise our marriage. I love the symbolism of it: hands for friendship, a heart for love, and a crown for loyalty. I wear it on my left hand, the hand closes to the heart.
Last year was our third anniversary, and I renewed my wedding vows to Loki. I also gave Him a monastic vow. I swore on a plain silver ring which has “Loki” engraved in runes on the inside, just like the ring He gave me in the dream. I wear this ring on my right hand, the traditional hand for wedding bands in Norway.
So, I went from an agnostic, to an atheist, to a soft polytheist Goddess worshipper, to an agnostic, to a Lokean godpouse and nun. I am a hard polytheist and a devotional polytheist. I am not a reconstructionist. I am close to a henotheist: I only worship Loki regularely, but I acknowledge that other gods are real.