Loki put this song in my head today, to remind me what my life felt like before I invited Him in.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world
I felt stuck in both my job and in my personal life. I felt I was going in circles, getting nowhere.
I was depressed and felt trapped in a job where all I did all day, every day, was to file letters and documents. There were no challenges in my job, just mind-numbingly boring routines.
Being depressed, I felt stuck in my personal life; there was no change or growth, hadn’t been in years. Everything felt meaningless. I still held on to a lot of old baggage, old anger and pain.
Then Loki appeared in my life in 2011, and suddenly life felt like it had meaning again, and an extra dimension of depth. I still struggled on and off with depression, though, caused by my struggle to try to get back to work, and failing. In the end, in March 2012, I lost my job, and I felt like a failure. I was no longer a contributing, functional member of society. Loki was there to comfort me, though, which made it easier to deal with the loss.
Then, in November 2012, Loki caused a major breakdown, and I felt like I had been broken into a thousand pieces and stripped back to the bone. In May 2013 I became well enough to begin to piece myself back together.
I discovered that I was able to let go of my old baggage, that I could free myself from all the old anger and pain. I could choose which pieces to keep and which to discard. I began to focus on self-compassion, patience and mindfulness. I no longer brooded over the past, or worried about the future; I could focus on living in the present and live one day at a time. I’ve been able to accept the loss of my job, and I that I have a chronic mental illness that makes me disabled. I might get well enough to go back to work some day, but I’m not worried about it, and I don’t let it stress me. Recovering from a serious breakdown takes time, and I have learned to be patient with myself. I feel that I’m changing and growing, both on a mundane and on a spiritual level.
Loki broke me, but He also freed me, and for that I am very grateful.