Loki put this song in my head today, to remind me what my life felt like before I invited Him in.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world

I felt stuck in both my job and in my personal life. I felt I was going in circles, getting nowhere.
I was depressed and felt trapped in a job where all I did all day, every day, was to file letters and documents. There were no challenges in my job, just mind-numbingly boring routines.

Being depressed, I felt stuck in my personal life; there was no change or growth, hadn’t been in years. Everything felt meaningless. I still held on to a lot of old baggage, old anger and pain.

Then Loki appeared in my life in 2011, and suddenly life felt like it had meaning again, and an extra dimension of depth. I still struggled on and off with depression, though, caused by my struggle to try to get back to work, and failing. In the end, in March 2012, I lost my job, and I felt like a failure. I was no longer a contributing, functional member of society. Loki was there to comfort me, though, which made it easier to deal with the loss.

Then, in November 2012, Loki caused a major breakdown, and I felt like I had been broken into a thousand pieces and stripped back to the bone. In May 2013 I became well enough to begin to piece myself back together.

I discovered that I was able to let go of my old baggage, that I could free myself from all the old anger and pain. I could choose which pieces to keep and which to discard. I began to focus on self-compassion, patience and mindfulness. I no longer brooded over the past, or worried about the future; I could focus on living in the present and live one day at a time. I’ve been able to accept the loss of my job, and I that I have a chronic mental illness that makes me disabled. I might get well enough to go back to work some day, but I’m not worried about it, and I don’t let it stress me. Recovering from a serious breakdown takes time, and I have learned to be patient with myself. I feel that I’m changing and growing, both on a mundane and on a spiritual level.

Loki broke me, but He also freed me, and for that I am very grateful.

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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9 Responses to Changes

  1. Alexis Sólveig says:

    ❤ ❤ ❤

  2. moonfire2012 says:

    Ive watched you go hrough some of this journey and youve come a long way. I also understand about the boring mundane job. I was a file clerk in my 20s for four years at a hospital and it was the most boring job ive ever had.

  3. SuzyLL says:

    Having had similar experiences i can relate to your path. Mr Breaker of Worlds has no sentiment at times does He? It is always for the transformation into a life of bliss with Him however painful & long it may take. I have watched you via your blog for awhile & you seem stronger & happier now by far. Be well! 🙂

    • Amber Drake says:

      Yeah, He can be harsh, sometimes.
      Yes, I am stronger and happier. 🙂
      It’s not exactly a blissful relationship I have with Loki. We sometimes disagree and quarrel.

  4. Brittany says:

    GIRL YES, I also worked in an office for a few years entering mail and answering phones all day and I was clinically diagnosed with depression, it was the worst. I’m glad that you’ve been able to heal ♥ and I hope things keep getting better for you

    • Amber Drake says:

      It’s come to a point where I feel stuck again.
      I’m still disabled. I tried to do work training in 2016, but I got depressed and my antidepressants pooped out on me, so I had to quit after a couple of months.
      I feel stuck spiritually, too. It’s rare that Loki visits me these days; he visits my dreams a couple of times a year. It’s very rare that I sense his presence.
      I still feel fragile and broken. I’m still hearing a voice in my head, but I’m good at blocking it out.

      • Brittany says:

        Wow Amber I’m so sorry to hear that… Depression makes everything in life seem terrible and being in such a dark place like that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Antidepressents helped me not feel sadness but they also made me feel numb and less of who I was as a person. Uninspired and unmotivated. I suppose what really turned my life around was my dog, my brother was the same. She just gives so much unconditional love and greets me everyday when I come home with so much happiness like I’m her whole world. I also just try and remind myself to stay positive when things get stressful because I understand this life is temporary. then theres excercise and eating habits which I’m still working on. Just… find things that make you happy and think happy thoughts. I hope it turns around for you ❤️

        • Amber Drake says:

          I’m lucky; I’ve found a new antidepressant that works. I don’t get numb. I still get depressed but it’s much lighter and doesn’t last as long.
          Most days I’m content and that’s fine.

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