Reboot

I have been a devotee of Loki for three years now, since January 2011. We have out third wedding anniversary in June.

During the first two years, I became addicted to depending on others to help me communicate with Loki, through divination, messages and channelling.
It lead to so much drama, pain and confusion during my first two years with Loki. It damaged our relationship.

During my first  year with Loki, I couldn’t hear Him when I was awake. He communicated with me in dreams, and He sometimes talked to me when I was in hypnagogia (the trance state on the border of sleeping and waking). I loved the times He visited me when I was in hypnagogia; He used to curl up behind me and put an arm around my waist.
He showed me He was capable of communicating important things to me via dreams. It was in dreams three nights in a row in February 2011 that He told me He wanted us to get married and exchange rings.

During the summer and autumn of 2011, I discovered several other Loki-wives online. Some of them had “god-phones”; they were able to hear Loki when they were awake. Some of them also did divinations.
I was insecure, so I asked some of them for help in communicating with Loki; they were my “ear” to Loki.

During the autumn of 2011, I was told I had a big block which prevented me from hearing Loki. This block was drawn up to the surface, I was told, through some really bad nightmares.
The dreams began with Loki appearing and cuddling with me in bed, then He suddenly turned into my beloved grandfather, who had been like a father to me when I grew up, and He touched me intimately. I asked Loki one morning after one of the nightmares: “Is this really true?” And He answered: “I’m afraid so.” I had no memories of something like that ever happening, and I began to question my sanity. If I had repressed memories, what else might I have forgotten?
Now I think if I misinterpreted these dreams. It wasn’t about my grandfather, it was about Loki as a father figure to me.

I was told Loki wanted me to have a past life regression, that He said I had forgotten almost everything, that we had had past lives together.

In October (I think it was) I went to a shamanistic practitioner who did past life regression meditations. I experienced a past life, where I had been a witch and married to Loki. I saw myself in a moment of depression, because Loki had been gone for a very long time and I thought He had abandoned me. Then Frey visited for some reason, and I fell completely in love with Him. I was very lonely and wanted so much to be loved by someone again, so I had an affair with Him. He was so loving, gentle and kind; I was swept away. Then I came back to earth, and realised I had been unfaithful to Loki. I was devastated. I thought I had destroyed our relationship beyond repair, and I ended up killing myself.

A month later I did a past life regression of my own, and saw myself as a young man dressed in furs, holding a flint head spear, by a bonfire. I did some divination myself on this, with a pendulum (I was told I was good with it), and found out that I had been one of Loki’s sons in a previous life.

When 2012 began, I was told that Loki would no longer be communicating with me in dreams or hypnagogia. That He wanted me to learn how to “hear” Him when I was awake.
I did daily meditations, had been doing it for half a year, and at the end of January, I began to feel Loki’s energies very strongly. It was a sexual joining of energies, and Loki helped me achieve ecstatic trances. It was part of a bonding process.
Sometimes He took me Elsewhere. He took me to Hel twice, once to meet my relatively recently dead ancestors and Hel Herself, and once to meet my Disir. Sometimes I would receive visions while in trance.

I was told that my Big Block was related to a sexual trauma in a past life, and through my own divination, I found out that this was the life I had briefly glimpsed where I was a young man in a stone age setting.
I also found out that the extreme sexual abuse in this early life had driven me insane, and that I had killed a sibling in a fit of rage.
Then I was told I had a Saboteur. That I had a part of my soul that had been split off and gained a power of it’s own, and that it had been created out of the guilt of killing my sibling in that early life. The Saboteur followed me from life to life; it wasn’t just part of my mind like a Jungian shadow is. I was told that Loki was working on getting rid of it.  He explained that it was a complicated procedure, because it had roots in pieces of the Big Block, and also in me (my chakras, I think He meant). He had to be careful with pulling the roots out of the Block pieces, to prevent any trauma memories from being accidentally triggered.
I had both dreams and visions of horrible sexual abuse for a while. I thought it might be a side-effect of Loki’s work on me.

The bonding sessions between Loki and I worked. I began to be able to hear Him while I was awake.

In April, there was the whole mess with Freyr approaching my ancestors and asking for permission to court me, then asking for my hand a week later.
My ancestors stopped Loki in working on my Big Block, because they wanted me to deal with Freyr’s proposal. Apparently they didn’t want Loki to free me and whisk me away to Elsewhere and marry me, to the exclusion of others. I didn’t want another Husband, nor a Consort, but I agreed to let Freyr court me as a lover.
Freyr joined Loki in working on me, and I began to be able to hear Loki much better and clearer.

Then, during the summer of 2012, it all stopped. Loki stopped the bonding and trancing sessions and He stopped talking to me. I could no longer feel His presence. I felt completely lost and abandoned.
I sought several divinations and channellings to find out what was going on. I got different answers, and some contradicted each other. Some might not have been genuine, but I don’t know which ones.
It became a total mess, and I had no idea what was going on and why, from my POV, Loki had abandoned me.

Then at the end of October, I did that devotional week with meditation, fasting and sleep deprivation and drove myself into a serious mental breakdown.

A year ago, I decided that even though my situation was a nightmare, I would not seek any more divination, channellings or messages. It had created so much drama, confusion and pain.
I talked to Loki one evening some months ago – I still can’t hear Him when I’m awake – and said that I thought it would be a good idea for us to reboot, to forget everything that has happened during the past three years, and start all over again.
I’m going to redo the wedding ritual on our third anniversary. I’ll get us new rings for my marriage and nun oaths. This time I’ll get the type of rings Loki showed me in the first dream where he said He wanted us to get married; a plain silver ring with His name on the inside in runes for me, and a ring with my name in runes for Him.
I think He’s happy about us doing a reboot; I think this is why He’s focusing on the friendship aspect of our relationship when I meet Him in my dreams.
This time around I’m not going to rely on others to communicate with Loki for me. I’ll be patient and deal with Him through my dreams, like I did during our first year together.

 

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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7 Responses to Reboot

  1. This seems to end rather abruptly, was there supposed to be more?

  2. Pingback: Oops! | Fire and Ink

  3. I think at the end of the day you got to do what is best for you and Yours. I hope that things go well between you and Loki and that the renewing of your vows and most importantly that your marriage is blessed.

  4. moonfire2012 says:

    This explains some parts I didn’t know before when you told me about the events leading up to your breakdown. I really hope it will get worked out soon, but at least now it seems you’re starting to hear Him again and dream about Him. We both have been burned by the community and had to learn the hard way to lean on Him and not others to solve problems and bond. Happy anniversary next month! Mine is this month, when He proposed to me in May of 2000 in that vivid dream with the torchlit room.

    • Amber Drake says:

      It’s best to focus on interacting directly with your god/goddess. It will take time to develop a strong connection. It is very important to learn patience, especially when They step back and you feel abandoned. Sometimes They test our faith, I think.
      If you depend on others to communicate with your god/goddess, you risk getting messages which are not genuine.

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