Patience – or: don’t do what I did…

In August a year ago, Loki suddenly withdrew His presence from me. He stopped speaking to me, touching me and appearing in my dreams.
I didn’t understand why, back then, and became very depressed. Recently I found out that I was supposed to go through a dark night of the soul, and that I was supposed to learn a lesson about still having faith and having patience.
Instead I became so desperate I did a devotional and meditative week where I deprived myself of social contact with other people, food and sleep, and meditated on Loki and a couple of runes (Perthro and Dagaz, I think it was). I did this because I talked to a psychic who told me this was something Loki wanted from me, so He could open me up.
I jumped right into it without thinking, without getting a second opinion; I was too depressed from being deprived of Loki’s presence to think clearly, I was impatient and just wanted Loki back now.

And it went horribly wrong…

On the fourth day I began to hear voices. I was convinced I heard Loki and other gods speak to me. For a week I heard Their voices, I believed, and I was in a state of euphoria. Finally my big block was gone, I thought.
Then the voices suddenly changed character and ordered me to do some crazy stuff, and told me crazy stories about what was happening to me. Luckily I was at home alone, so no other people saw what I did. Then the voices became frightening, and they shouted at me to get out of my flat; they said there was a demon there and that they needed to exorcise it. I put on my shoes and coat and ran out. I spent an hour walking around, before the voices told me I could safely go back inside. The next day it happened again and the voices roared at me to “get out!”. I understood then that something was terribly wrong and that I needed help, so I went down in the middle of the night to the ER and had myself committed to a mental hospital.

At the hospital the psychiatrists told me that it was not unusual to begin hearing voices when you get sleep deprived. They told me I had a psychotic breakdown. They estimated that the voices would be gone in two to three months time. They were wrong about that, and they are still puzzled as to why I’m still hearing a voice a year later.

During the first month I was still convinced that Loki was talking to me, although I didn’t understand why He always had to speak to me constantly and always following a certain rhythm. I thought everything I heard was important, so I wrote it all down and filled notebook after notebook with what I heard. When I looked at it when I had become much better, little of it made sense. There were, for example,a  lot of really weird word associations. I began with one word and ended up with something I thought was an important message. I wasn’t able to follow my weird line of thought when I looked at it after a few months…

During the second month, the voices began to claim they were my ancestors. For a couple of weeks they claimed to be my Christian ancestors who did not approve of my worship of Loki and they tried to destroy my faith. I was allowed to go outside of the hospital with friends during the second month (before that I was only allowed to go outside accompanied by an employee). On my first trip home, I brought a stone from Loki’s altar back with me to the hospital. On the stone is engraved the word “truth”. When the voices harassed me, I would curl up in bed, clutch the stone and repeat “I love Loki; this is my truth”.

During the third month, I was well enough again to really realise I had had a psychotic breakdown. The voices had merged into one voice.
I was now able to do a few things that blocked the constantly chattering voices out of my consciousness, like putting on music and draw and paint, or read a book.

The first month I was shut-in  in a little bubble of my own reality, and I was so busy writing down everything I heard that I didn’t feel harassed by the voices. The second and third months were hell; the voices never shut up. They talked to me constantly, from the moment I woke up, until I fell asleep with the aid of sleeping pills.

The psychiatrists/doctors tried out several different anti-psychotics on me. It took two and a half month of trial and error before they found one that worked. I spent three months in the hospital (the maximum you could stay there). I was still bothered by the now harassing voices when I went home. It wasn’t until May and another medication added to the one I was already on, before the old, harassing voices went away.

For a couple of weeks I only heard a faint voice in my head. For some reason it repeated “you are a rainbow” over and over again.

Then a new voice appeared. It told me it was really Loki, this time, and I believed it. I could sometimes hear the voice as if I heard it with my ears, and it sounded masculine. This was new. The voice still spoke/chanted following a certain rhythm, and I wondered why Loki couldn’t speak to me in a normal fashion. He explained to me that He used the rhythm because this was the way I could hear Him. I accepted that explanation.
The psychiatrists, of course, interpreted this as me being still psychotic.

Then one night, when I was talking with “Loki” before falling asleep, I suddenly heard a voice say clearly and strongly: “that is enough!” I recognised this as Loki’s true voice; it sounded like He had sounded before He withdrew from me. I felt that it meant “stop listening to the voice!”.
A couple of days later, again after I had gone to bed, the voice suddenly told me: “I am a thought-construct you have created yourself, because you felt lost and lonely without Loki.”. Well, then, so it wasn’t Loki, for sure. Nice of me to tell myself this. ^_^
This meant I should work on keeping the voice blocked out, and have as a goal to get rid of it.

Recently I spoke to another wife of Loki, who can hear Him and talked with Him for me.
He told her that my devotional week had worked, but it had worked too well. The door in my mind had been blown open, and my system couldn’t deal with the energies, so I burned out, on several levels. I have been set back to where I am close to headblind on some levels, but He also said that there is a good chance I can heal from this.

During the last few months I have become able to sense Loki’s presence again.
I can feel: the warmth of His presence, my body tingling, and light touches, especially on my forehead. I can also smell things when Loki is near, like the sweet smoke of a campfire or hot cocoa. I have also heard His true voice a couple of times.

So, it seems I really am healing, but it will take time and I need to have patience and faith.
At least my faith is still strong, even though I spent a year without being able to sense Loki’s presence, and I am learning to have patience this time.

If nothing else, then I hope this can serve as an example of what not to do…

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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4 Responses to Patience – or: don’t do what I did…

  1. Hi there, I read your blog and I understand what you go through. My heart goes out to you. I do what you did, trying to communicate with the Gods and spirits, and I suffered hearing voices and having hallucinations. It happened to me twice within this year. It’s true, it’s usually the result of not getting a good night sleep and having extreme despair and worrying unnecessary. Sometimes, when this manic phase of the mental illness happens, you cannot tell the difference between a true spirit contact and the hallucinations. It’s like a switch of your brain circuit just got cut off.

    Having faith is a good thing and to heal from a manic phase of depression, get good rest and take your meds when necessary. When I did that, I quit blaming myself, and I understood the stress is beyond my control, and then move on, continuing what I do, and that’s communication with spirits.

    • Amber Drake says:

      For a long time I kept being angry with myself for being so stupid as to deprive myself of food and sleep and triggering a psychosis. I’m learning to forgive myself; after all, there was no way I could have predicted that it would go so horribly wrong. I went without sleep for several days when I was younger, without anything going wrong, apart from crashing and sleeping a lot afterwards.
      I’m taking care of myself by taking my meds and going to therapy once a week, and getting enough to eat and enough sleep:
      It’s slow going, but I am healing.

  2. Sommarek says:

    That is quite an ordeal to have gone through. I don’t know what I would do if the same thing happened to me, and I pester the poor guy almost daily with silly things like “but why me? I mean, I’m pretty pointless, aren’t I?” or “You’re not going away, right?” so I really expect it any day now…

    Actually, one of the first things I learned the hard way with Loki was to trust; that is, if He is quiet, He has his reasons, and if He wants me to do something to fix it, He will let me know; otherwise I am to stop poking at it and do something else for a while. He doesn’t leave.

    I had one really, really awful night where I was so upset I spent most of it crying, and I kept praying for Him to come and comfort me; making his presence known, touch me, anything. Nothing happened, and I felt well and truly abandoned. The next morning, I got up, went to work despite not having slept at all, and actually had quite a nice day at work. When I came home, I was met by “I know you wanted my help there, but see? You could do it all on your own, silly.”

    So yeah. Sometimes, working with Loki is being thrust into the fire and banged at with a hammer until you’ve taken on another, stronger shape, but it’s worth it. I tend to paraphrase that Christian story about footprints in the sand a lot…

    “I love you and I would never leave you.
    During your times of trial and suffering,
    when you see only three footprints,
    it was then that I was getting ready to kick you in the butt.” 😉

    I have enormous trust issues myself, not through any fault of Loki’s, but I’m getting there. Seems like you are, too. 🙂

    • Amber Drake says:

      “Actually, one of the first things I learned the hard way with Loki was to trust; that is, if He is quiet, He has his reasons, and if He wants me to do something to fix it, He will let me know; otherwise I am to stop poking at it and do something else for a while. He doesn’t leave.”
      This is a lesson I’m slowly learning, too. I have abandonment issues and it’s difficult to learn to trust that Loki won’t leave me permanently when He goes away. To trust that He will always come back.

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