Fallow Times

I’m going through a spiritual fallow time. Loki is so remote, He might as well not be here.
I’ve lost hope in ever growing closer to Loki. Nothing changes, no matter what I do. I realise now that His silly dress-up stunt was a way of saying goodbye.
I’ve put my spiritual praxis on ice; everything just seems pointless, meaningless, joyless…

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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12 Responses to Fallow Times

  1. Heathir says:

    Amber, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. *hugs*

    As I’ve messaged you before, I can’t always sense Him, but I’ve no doubt that He is there. (Sensing – that is feeling slight touches, tingles, changes in air pressure, and subtle changes in temperature seem to be all I am wired for, and sometimes, I hate that that is all I experience most of the time…) So…Sometimes when I’m doubtful, and it seems too much to hope, I feel sad and incredibly lonely. It seems pointless to sit in front of my altar, or to try to meditate. To pray aloud feels foolish. To put out offerings seems a waste. I feel like it is work for naught….for weeks, for months. For nearly a year.

    But it is not for nothing.

    He will come.

    Just when I think that He has forgotten me, I will dream of Him.

    Or I will feel that sensation as if a hand were placed on the back of my neck, or a light pressure on the side of my head when I am at the peak of anxiety, loneliness, or anger…I am in the midst of insurmountable emotions. And I cannot take anymore.

    And I feel I am going to break!

    But then, those sensations will come; and with them, a strange calmness that I will sometimes try to shake off, but it lingers before slowly fading away.

    That is Him. That is Loki.

    That is what He is. ❤

    *hugs*

    • Amber Drake says:

      What you’re sensing, is what I’ve been sensing, too, lately.
      Light touches, pressure on my head, body tingles and warmth when He is near.
      I miss being able to hear Him and He doesn’t visit my dreams any more.
      After that silly dress-up, I haven’t sensed anything, though, it’s like being headblind again.
      I got so far during the first half of last year, and then I lost it all when I became ill. I’ve struggled with hearing voices for a year, now, and I’m just exhausted from it.
      It’s very difficult being patient, when I can’t sense Loki any more.

  2. . says:

    No, no, no! You’ve come through too much to give up now. Think on this, things take time. It can be a struggle but hang in there. It can take time to re-establish a connection. Fight, dammit. Do not lay down and accept this.

    • Amber Drake says:

      It seems I’m back to being headblind again. I’m just so exhausted from having to struggle so much. It’s been a year now, with struggles and no progress.

      • . says:

        Maybe instead of struggling, you need to relax. How about some nice baths and soft scents , some exercises to soften your vision, soften your mindset and not so much hard effort?

        • Amber Drake says:

          I’ve talked at length with my therapist, and he said that he thought it would be a good idea to take a pause from my spiritual/religious praxis for a while.
          He said that as long as I’m bothered by the voice of a thought-construct, I’m rather vulnerable, and the voice pretends to be Loki, so continuing with a religious praxis right now might just feed the thought-construct.
          I should focus on getting rid of the voice in my head – Loki will still be there, I hope, when I’m well again.

  3. Lokisana says:

    All things that grow require a period of rest. This might be a winter for you now, but keep doing what you have been and have faith your spring will come.

  4. I don’t think He will ever say goodbye to you darling. Don’t give up!

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