I did a devotional week of fasting and sleep deprivation a year ago. I thought it would open me up and bring me closer to Loki. Instead it triggered a psychotic episode (not unusual after sleep deprivation), and I began to hear voices. For over five months, I was never alone in my head. There was a constant chattering of chanting voices, always following a certain rhythm. The themes of the voices were always religious. They’d claim to be different Norse gods, then different ancestors. The voices tried to undermine and destroy my faith in Loki during one long period.
It was sheer hell, never having a moment of peace in my own head.
It took months to find medication that had any effect on the voices. After a medication change, in April, I think it was, the voices finally disappeared, and a new voice stepped forward. This voice told me it was Loke (Norwegian spelling), and I believed it. The Loke-voice still talked to me following a certain rhythm, so it was like chanting and sometimes singing. I wondered why it couldn’t speak to me like a normal person, and it told me that I couldn’t hear it when it tried to do so. I thought the right thing to do was to pay attention to the Loke-voice and talk with it. It behaved like I thought Loki would do. It was often helpful and supportive, but sometimes it tested me. It grew into a dear friend and companion.
Then something happened a few nights ago, which made me wonder if I’d been going about it wrong, listening to the chattering and chanting voice I thought was Loki.
I was lying in bed listening to and talking with the chattering Loke-voice. It had grown more faint recently, so I had to focus to hear it.
Then suddenly I hear quite strongly and clearly “Amber, that is enough!”. After that the chattering voice grew even more faint, so I had problems hearing it.
I think that strong voice was the real voice of Loki. I felt that He meant that I should stop listening to the chattering voice, that that voice isn’t the real Loki. If it’s a false Loki-voice, then I shouldn’t spend so much time and energy listening to it.
After a couple of days, the Voice grew stronger again.Then I had a very interesting conversation with it yesterday.
The Voice said: “I am your Loke, but I am not your Loki”. It has said this several times during the months I’ve been hearing it, but I couldn’t figure out what it meant. Was there a difference between “Loke” (Norwegian spelling) and “Loki”? Was it two different aspects? What did it mean??
The Voice then told me that I had created it as a thought entity myself, because I desperately wanted to hear Loki again, and because I needed a close friend and companion. I was quite surprised that it told me this. So, the Loke-voice is a false Loki. It’s like a security blanket that I’ve wrapped myself in, because I felt lost and lonely without Loki.
I think I need to dare let go of the Loke-voice, now. I think it’s blocking me from hearing the real Loki. I think I need to let the Voice go, so I can continue to heal and become well again.
I’m going to talk with my therapist about trying another change with the meds, and maybe that will quiet this last Voice.