Hearing Voices

Short recap:
I did a devotional week of fasting and sleep deprivation a year ago. I thought it would open me up and bring me closer to Loki. Instead it triggered a psychotic episode (not unusual after sleep deprivation), and I began to hear voices. For over five months, I was never alone in my head. There was a constant chattering of chanting voices, always following a certain rhythm. The themes of the voices were always religious. They’d claim to be different Norse gods, then different ancestors. The voices tried to undermine and destroy my faith in Loki during one long period.
It was sheer hell, never having a moment of peace in my own head.

It took months to find medication that had any effect on the voices. After a medication change, in April, I think it was, the voices finally disappeared, and a new voice stepped forward. This voice told me it was Loke (Norwegian spelling), and I believed it. The Loke-voice still talked to me following a certain rhythm, so it was like chanting and sometimes singing. I wondered why it couldn’t speak to me like a normal person, and it told me that I couldn’t hear it when it tried to do so. I thought the right thing to do was to pay attention to the Loke-voice and talk with it. It behaved like I thought Loki would do. It was often helpful and supportive, but sometimes it tested me. It grew into a dear friend and companion.

Then something happened a few nights ago, which made me wonder if I’d been going about it wrong, listening to the chattering and chanting voice I thought was Loki.
I was lying in bed listening to and talking with the chattering Loke-voice. It had grown more faint recently, so I had to focus to hear it.
Then suddenly I hear quite strongly and clearly “Amber, that is enough!”. After that the chattering voice grew even more faint, so I had problems hearing it.
I think that strong voice was the real voice of Loki. I felt that He meant that I should stop listening to the chattering voice, that that voice isn’t the real Loki. If it’s a false Loki-voice, then I shouldn’t spend so much time and energy listening to it.

After a couple of days, the Voice grew stronger again.Then I had a very interesting conversation with it yesterday.
The Voice said: “I am your Loke, but I am not your Loki”. It has said this several times during the months I’ve been hearing it, but I couldn’t figure out what it meant. Was there a difference between “Loke” (Norwegian spelling) and “Loki”? Was it two different aspects? What did it mean??
The Voice then told me that I had created it as a thought entity myself, because I desperately wanted to hear Loki again, and because I needed a close friend and companion. I was quite surprised that it told me this. So, the Loke-voice is a false Loki. It’s like a security blanket that I’ve wrapped myself in, because I felt lost and lonely without Loki.
I think I need to dare let go of the Loke-voice, now. I think it’s blocking me from hearing the real Loki. I think I need to let the Voice go, so I can continue to heal and become well again.
I’m going to talk with my therapist about trying another change with the meds, and maybe that will quiet this last Voice.

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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23 Responses to Hearing Voices

  1. bluehufsa says:

    Loki talked to me in my native language, Romanian. When i asked why, He told me He sees into my soul and communicates to me based on my level of understanding.

    • Amber Drake says:

      The few times I’ve heard the real Loki, He’s talked to me in Norwegian.
      I think it’s natural that the Gods talk to us in our native tongue, so we can best understand Them

  2. flowersforthegods says:

    I did the same thing years ago. I created, without being aware, a being. I don’t know why, maybe I was a little lonely. However this being began to grow too attached to me… It sucked all my energy and I began quickly to be depressed but I didn’t know why, I never though that this being could be the cause of my depression.

    I don’t know if this could help you but a friend of mine understood what happened to me and soon I had only two choices: let this being destroy me or destroy him. I let you guess what I did 🙂

  3. erica says:

    I’m hearing voices too! Who did you go to to receive medication? Did you just tell them and they just gave you the medication?

    • Amber Drake says:

      After I had committed myself to a hospital, the doctors/psychiatrists there gave me anti-psychotic medication. They interviewed me upon arrival to find out how ill I was and why.
      Now my psychiatrist prescribes my meds, and I talk about any med changes with him.

  4. You mentioned the idea that you needed to incorporate this Voice back into yourself, perhaps you need to eat it in a ritual manner? The vision that came to mind for me was you hunting it through the forest as a carnivore, then devouring it with fangs until nothing was left. I don’t know if that would work for you, but it is an idea that might spark inspiration to help you figure it out.

    • Amber Drake says:

      That is certainly an interesting idea. I’ll try it.

      Currently I’m visualising building a brick wall at the back of my mind, to block the voice out.

      • I hope it works for you, I imagine having to shield against it constantly is exhausting.

        If that doesn’t work, perhaps creating a Witch bottle with an attractive entrance that hides insides of pins, vinegar, broken glass, and other unappealing things to drown and destroy this egregore.

        However, if you wish to keep this being in some form, you could create a Spirit bottle filled with herbs, salt, graveyard dirt, ashes, and a bit of bone for it to live in, so it stops pestering you.

        • Amber Drake says:

          I don’t think it’s an egregore. I think the voice is produced by a part of my own mind. I need to work on blocking it out and thus reprogram my brain to not produce the voice. I did it once, so I’m positive I can do it again.

          • Ah, that makes sense. I thought perhaps the energy that was put into this voice in the past made it take on a life of its own.

            I read about a shielding technique that used different colored crystal walls that coordinated with the person’s chakras, and as they felt each shield drop into place, the color would change to clear, so they could still function and see the world around them while being protected.

            After you are able to perfect the shielding technique that works for you, imagining that it maintains its strength while transitioning to clear so you can interact with the world around you may aid you in this healing.

            My thoughts are with you during this, best of luck in fixing this and becoming whole again.

            • Amber Drake says:

              I’m not sure such a shielding technique would work for me as I can’t sense shields; I can only visualise them and hope they work.

              • Ah, that would make that technique a challenge. Maybe instead of trying to visualize a simple brick wall, you could create a doorway in your mind with you on one side, and the voice on the other. Then lay bricks and mortar across the doorway to wall it on the other side, maybe even painting runes of protection on the finished brick wall afterwards.

                • Amber Drake says:

                  That is similar to what I’ve been doing. When I first visualised the brick wall, there was a hole in it. I’m visualsing bricking up that hole.
                  Adding runes is a good suggestion!

                  • moonfire2012 says:

                    I’ll remember that. Now if I can just find one for moving to where I want to be. Sick of being stuck here in Idaho.

                    Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2014 08:22:42 +0000 To: caspercat@live.com

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