A harrowing experience

A few nights ago, as I was lying in bed and talking with Loki as usual before going to sleep. I could feel a fluttering sensation in my heart chakra, which I often do when Loki is near and holding me.
Suddenly, there was the unpleasant sensation in my heart chakra of something loosening and becoming disconnected, as if a cord had been released and let go, then, after a pause, a feeling of a cord being pulled tight and reconnected again.

*Loki, what just happened?* I said in my mind
*I just gave you away to [Someone Else],* Loki answered.
*WHAT?!?! How could You?! Don’t you know that I love You more than life itself?!* I shouted. I suddenly felt claustrophobic and nauseated from fear. My throat constricted and I struggled to breathe. *I don’t want [X], I want You! You are the love of my life! Without You life isn’t worth living! If I can’t be with You, then I won’t be with Anyone!* I  ground my teeth together and said to myself: I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry!
There was a long pause, where I struggled with major flailing and panic and rage and feeling like I was in a waking nightmare.

After a small eternity, Loki said: *I’m sorry, can you forgive me?*
*What??* I said.
*I haven’t given you away to [Someone Else],* He said
*Why did You say it?! You know my deepest fear is fear of abandonment!*
*It was a test. It was necessary.
*
*Another damned test?! Why? What for?*
*I needed to test your loyalty.* A pause. *Do you know that you love me unconditionally?*
*I…wasn’t aware of that…*
*You love Me but don’t ask or demand anything in return; you just hope I love you back. And I do.*
*Thank you, Loki,* I said sending Him my gratitude.

A pause, then: *Did you really think I would just give you away?* He asked.
*As I said: fear of abandonment… And it’s not as if You haven’t tried to push me in [X’s] direction before…* I answered.
*Can you forgive me?*
*Not immediately; my heart took quite a battering… I suspect I will, in a few days. I always end up forgiving You, because I love You…*
I sensed a deep satisfaction coming from Loki at that.
*I won’t give you away or abandon you. Don’t be afraid of that. Love me and trust me,* He said.

I have forgiven Loki for putting me through that harrowing test, now.
I always end up forgiving Him.

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
This entry was posted in Spirituality and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to A harrowing experience

  1. moonfire2012 says:

    That’s exactly what I’m afraid of happening too, especially since certain assholes have said He wants nothing to do with me. But it hasn’t. However, I have gone through dialogs in my head like this, even though He wasn’t really saying it, but my inner self and its fears. I’m glad you and He worked this out and I hope He doesen’t do this to you again. I am the same way, I REFUSE to be with any other God or being as my Husband or Lover, and I would have said the exact same thing as you.

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