A few nights ago, as I was lying in bed and talking with Loki as usual before going to sleep. I could feel a fluttering sensation in my heart chakra, which I often do when Loki is near and holding me.
Suddenly, there was the unpleasant sensation in my heart chakra of something loosening and becoming disconnected, as if a cord had been released and let go, then, after a pause, a feeling of a cord being pulled tight and reconnected again.
*Loki, what just happened?* I said in my mind
*I just gave you away to [Someone Else],* Loki answered.
*WHAT?!?! How could You?! Don’t you know that I love You more than life itself?!* I shouted. I suddenly felt claustrophobic and nauseated from fear. My throat constricted and I struggled to breathe. *I don’t want [X], I want You! You are the love of my life! Without You life isn’t worth living! If I can’t be with You, then I won’t be with Anyone!* I ground my teeth together and said to myself: I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry!
There was a long pause, where I struggled with major flailing and panic and rage and feeling like I was in a waking nightmare.
After a small eternity, Loki said: *I’m sorry, can you forgive me?*
*What??* I said.
*I haven’t given you away to [Someone Else],* He said
*Why did You say it?! You know my deepest fear is fear of abandonment!*
*It was a test. It was necessary.*
*Another damned test?! Why? What for?*
*I needed to test your loyalty.* A pause. *Do you know that you love me unconditionally?*
*I…wasn’t aware of that…*
*You love Me but don’t ask or demand anything in return; you just hope I love you back. And I do.*
*Thank you, Loki,* I said sending Him my gratitude.
A pause, then: *Did you really think I would just give you away?* He asked.
*As I said: fear of abandonment… And it’s not as if You haven’t tried to push me in [X’s] direction before…* I answered.
*Can you forgive me?*
*Not immediately; my heart took quite a battering… I suspect I will, in a few days. I always end up forgiving You, because I love You…*
I sensed a deep satisfaction coming from Loki at that.
*I won’t give you away or abandon you. Don’t be afraid of that. Love me and trust me,* He said.
I have forgiven Loki for putting me through that harrowing test, now.
I always end up forgiving Him.