I feel like I’m floundering in a permanent state of confusion.
After my major breakdown last November, I feel like I have broken into many pieces, and that some have been lost.  I don’t know who I am any more.
I’m trapped in my own head and body; I’m not able to trance when I try to meditate any more. Daily meditations were a central part of my devotional practise, and now I don’t have that any more.
I used to always remember my dreams, and Loki used to visit them. Now it’s very rare for me to remember anything but tiny fragments and Loki doesn’t appear in them any more.
I speak with Loki every day, throughout the day, but sometimes I wonder if it’s actually Him, or if I’m just imagining the voice in my head, that it’s just a part of myself I’m hearing. On the other hand, if I ask Him to touch me to help me figure out if I’m actually hearing Him, He brushes His fingers over my my hair and my forehead.
I feel like I took four steps forward in my spiritual progress, then at least five steps back with the breakdown.
Have any of you experienced feeling trapped and confused, and unable to figure out what to do?


About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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5 Responses to Confusion

  1. beanalreasa says:

    It is uncanny how similar our experiences with Him have been in this regard.
    Until about 3 years ago, I dreamt multiple times every night, lucidly and completely. As well, Loki used to visit those dreams quite a lot. It is the primary way that we communicated. Now, I am lucky if I recall inklings of dreams, if anything. I have a notebook where i write down the ones I can recall, or at least the outline details. (Sometimes, I blog about them, as you may have seen on bloodteethandflame.)

    As for the meditation, I used to be able to enter into the headspace pretty easily. Not so much anymore, but I do get touches (much like you have described, but on the back of my neck, and sides of my head) if I am struggling, and if I ask, and if He decides to indulge me. I don’t sense Him as often as I used to, and I’ve come to accept that it is entirely possible that I am wired for feeling, rather than hearing or seeing.

    And, yes, it can be confusing and disheartening at times, but He has been around my life a lot longer than I’d ever imagined. I take comfort in His patience.

  2. SpidrGoddess says:

    I think that we all go through these periods, where we feel less connected. I know I do. It feels almost cyclical. During these times, I try to continue the practice, even if it feels fruitful. I also do a lot more reading and writing, just to help myself stay sane.

    I hope that you are able to move past this quickly. My heart goes out to you, as I do understand how frustrating and upsetting it feels.

  3. ainevethe says:

    Loki has always been close, that is not to say we are always actively communicating. He isn’t always a “I have stuff to say” sort, and frankly, neither am i. If I try to call him (in meditation, not trance fwiw) I can feel his breath on my neck, like he is close behind me with his face over my shoulder in my neck. His presence is intoxicating and is how I know him from say Apollo (Ha! Totally different) or Hermes (again, similar, but very different.) Those two are recent recognitions, and it is Hermes who is the great communicator (irony much?) but I always know Loki, because of the energy….he is intoxicating, like the fumes of hard alcohol, or a sexual sort of buzz (does this make sense?) Now, that said, when he disappears, it is usually for a reason, and not for a rejection. Loki has been with me, for over 31 years….25 of that without me recognizing him by name. He didn’t care about my recognition of him, he simply was. He was there for me as a young woman, and still now. It has *changed* of course, he doesn’t just swoop in to rescue like he did. I take that more as his confidence in ME than not wanting to help….. In fact, I can’t imagine him just taking off permanently without making the reason obvious….my UPG of course, but still. He is anything but subtle. My intuit here: I would perhaps ask yourself if maybe YOU need a break (in general, not just from Loki). Maybe you need to NOT work on things, or work on things. NOT do something, or do something. I think maybe you do know the answer. We usually do. 🙂 Loki, is one of the only gods I have ever connected to that sometimes requires my DOWNTIME instead of my action. Maybe he just knows you need a break =) Perhaps put on some music, incense, hold stones etc….anything that reminds you of him. Just meditate and think of peace, acceptance of self and god… and connection. Perhaps send thanks for all the times previous. Ask for nothing. My feeling here though, is that there is a need for peace. Maybe there is something else you are struggling against, and he wants you to have all your energy to work with that. I am sure he didn’t just abandon you, with Loki, there is always a purpose. =) FWIW. =)

    • moonfire2012 says:

      Amber,you know you always have me to talk to if you want, and we have both had similar frustrations with the long silent periods with no explaination. You were starting to hear Him for awhile, and you DID have good solid contact a couple years ago. I can’t believe this is going to go on forever, and He has NOT abandoned you. Don’t listen to ANYBODY who tries to tell you He has, like they have me! It’s good you’re staying off the groups and other sites because as we both know, that just makes it worse. Ainevethe, I’d like to talk to you some more. I have also had Loki in my life for years and it’s recently taken a more intense turn.Do you have an email or a blog? I have a blog if you’re interested in reading about my experiences. I’m intrigued by yours.

  4. suzys64 says:

    It is my belief & experience that oftentimes illness & anxieties block our abilities to feel the Gods, it does not block the Gods themselves but our senses get thrown out of line. It also can take several months to get over major things that occur in our lives-physically &/or mentally, esp those of us that are sensitive. As you are feeling that this has occurred & your awakening to it- you will prob find that soon you will have all your abilities back, sometimes just realizing something helps clear it up. Keep up your determination!

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