In a cage…

First, a recap, since it seems that I’ve either not explained well enough what’s been going on, and since some people doesn’t seem to get it:
I have this huge Blockage that makes me “headblind” and prevents me from really doing much of anything spiritually/magickally. Loki began to work on this Block in mid-October last year. Loki has also been talking about this “Saboteur” I supposedly have, which He curiously called “him”, which apparently is some kind of leftover from a previous past life.
I can’t hear Loki (except for on a few very rare occasions), nor see Him, nor Journey to interact with Him. I’ve only been able to interact with Him in dreams, but he’s stopped visiting my dreams since mid-January.

Loki has kept telling me to leave the Block and the Saboteur to Him.
Several times He’s been all “it’s about to be crushed”, or “it’ll will be done before x date”.
In February Loki sent me a couple of very urgent messages via a Lokean friend, basically giving me a heads-up that he was about to crush the last bit NOW, and I got another message via another Loki-wife friend from my ancestors, where they said they wanted me to remember that they would be with me and support me when “the dam broke”. It all sounded very dramatic. Then, absolutely nothing happened.
Every single time nothing happened, and Loki’s kept telling me that it’s much more difficult and complicated than He thought, every time He hasn’t crushed the remaining bit and set me free. He says He’s tried to pull me over to Elsewhere, but that the Saboteur has still been too strong for Him to manage to do it.

I’ve been feeling for months that something about all this didn’t add up.

Then, through two recent divinations from non-Lokeans, I was finally able to put all the pieces together, from what Loki has said and done and not done, and from messages from my ancestors.
Obviously, if you want to know WTF is going on with a deity, don’t ask any of His people to do the divination. Gods are certainly more than capable of making the outcome of a reading turn out how They Themselves want it, if need be. Not to mention that at least several of the Norse gods seem to stick together, and even lie on behalf of their friend/ally.

Loki has been lying about the block for months.
He’s been able to crush the remaining bit of the block for months – I suspect since February
Problem is, he doesn’t want to. The divination said that He’s being very possessive and selfish. For some reason he’s afraid I’ll leave him if he sets me free, so he’d rather continue to keep me caged, even though it’s bad and unhealthy for me on all levels.
I guess he doesn’t think that I take the vows I gave him in the wedding ceremony seriously, since he doesn’t trust me…
I gave him an oath that I wouldn’t leave him just because he set me free. I did it as sincerely and in the most serious manner I could think of, and called to all my gods, Disir and ancestors to come and be witnesses to the oathing.
Two weeks later, and nothing was still happening…
I asked a Loki-wife friend is she could at least try to ask Loki if there was something more he wanted me to do in addition to this oath. She said that Loki had said “you shall love only me”.
Ok, fine with me, that was what I had wanted from the start anyway, and told Him dozens of times.
So, I gave yet another oath.

And still fuck all is happening.

As long as I’m still blocked, there won’t be any real progress on any level, emotional, personal, spiritual, nothing. Nor can I break out of this deep depression I’ve fallen into after the last major let-down by Loki, concerning the Block-crushing, which I thought would happen at the end of September, or at least before it had been a year since He began working on it.
And, no, I can’t break through the last bit of the block on my own, as some people keep telling me. Not when Loki doesn’t want me to be free…
If three oaths still aren’t enough to convince Loki to set me free, then I’m out of things to do. I’ve promised Him everything I am able to give, everything I am, except my free will and that part I’m not willing to give to anyone.
I have talked and talked and talked to Him. I’ve prayed and begged and pleaded. It obviously doesn’t have any effect. I’ve run out of things to say.
The only thing I had left to care about was Loki.
If Loki won’t trust me, nor give me even a smidgeon of respect, then there is nothing I, a mere mortal, can do.
I’m empty; there’s nothing left to give or say or feel.
On Monday it will be a year since this Block hell began.
I don’t have any hope any more that anything will change.
I give up…

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
This entry was posted in Blocks and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to In a cage…

  1. Alex says:

    Why give up? There are many who are headblind and have to walk in faith that they are doing what their Gods ask of them. I know that I very rarely hear Mr. Mister on my own and usually need people to give me His message and, for me, it is a practice in faith–I have been specifically told that I will not hear Him any more clearly until I am able to trust Him in perfect faith, whether I can hear Him in my head or not…and that means dealing with the fact that I may never hear Him in my head.

    You say you’ve run out of things to say..have you run out of the love a spouse has for their Partner? I can’t speak to His motives, but I would read the situation as Loki wanting me to stop begging/pleading and act as if, as if I could hear Him, as if His love was the only thing that mattered to me in my mortal life, as if the worst thing would not be to not have the block removed, but to know that He has given up on me. It sounds like He hasn’t given up on you, but is merely presenting you with another challenge.

    Have some faith and hope. Things will get better. If you want to talk more about the experience of being headblind and knowing that your God could reverse it with a snap, let me know…been there.


    • Darkamber says:

      “Why give up?”

      I thought I’d explained that well enough in my post…

      I know it’s possible for me to hear Loki perfectly clearly, if he weren’t actively blocking my progress. I have heard his “real” voice come through strong and clear twice this autumn, though it was only one word each time.
      It’s not about faith nor trust, it’s about Loki actively preventing me from making further progress so I can come closer to him, so we can strengthen and deepen the connection we have.

      “You say you’ve run out of things to say..have you run out of the love a spouse has for their Partner?”

      Of course not. Why would you think such a thing? Running out of things to say does not equal running out of love.

      ” I can’t speak to His motives”

      I mentioned his motives in my post…

      “but I would read the situation as Loki wanting me to stop begging/pleading and act as if, as if I could hear Him, as if His love was the only thing that mattered to me in my mortal life, as if the worst thing would not be to not have the block removed,”

      I don’t quite get what you mean here.
      I have stopped asking and praying for him to remove the last obstacle that keeps us apart, but it hasn’t changed anything, neither asking/praying/pleading, nor stopping.
      What do you mean “act as if I can hear him”? I have spoken to Loki a lot, every single day, about my feelings, about my life, about hopes, and dreams and fears, often out loud.
      He knows perfectly well that his love is the only thing that really matters to me, that he is the centre of my universe, and that not being able to come closer to him is literally making me sick from grieving.

      ” It sounds like He hasn’t given up on you, but is merely presenting you with another challenge.”

      The divinations said that it was a trial, about making a conscious choice – which I already have, back in February last year. I was advised to make an oath to Loki, as I mentioned, which I have.
      I have given all the oaths I can think of, to try and convince Loki that I won’t abandon him and turn to another deity, if he frees me. I don’t have anything more to give. If this isn’t enough to make him trust me, I don’t know what more I can do…

      The last let-down, and still nothing happening even after giving the new oaths has kicked me down into a depression. Not a “feeling down” depression, but a clinical “struggle to get up in the morning, don’t have energy to get dressed, barely enough to be bothered to eat” depression.
      I’m worn down and hollowed out. There’s nothing left to give.

      • Alex says:

        Stop giving oaths and giving things. He doesn’t want you to give things, He wants you to DO. Nothing is going to happen until you DO. You can’t ‘make’ him do anytihng–He’s a god and They do as They please, especially this One.

        You’ve made the oath, but my impression is that you’ve not made the choice yet. Sometimes the choice is following blindly, even in the face of everything looking wrong and fucked up, even when you think He’s doing something TO you. That’s the biggest test–can you hang when everything is topsy turvy and seems wrong. The choice is to follow anyways, versus giving up.

      • Alex says:

        Also, I have someone I might be able to refer you to if you’re interested.

  2. seastruckbythecrossroads says:

    Reading your entry two possibilities crossed my mind:
    a) Loki actually knows there’s another deity interested in you and unblock you might open you more to their advances… this doesn’t maket much sense tough, if in past He encouraged you to take consort (at least, I think I read that from you, I apologize if I was wrong)?
    b) He is pushing you to the limit, to see if you will fight back for yourself despite the contrary odds. Or it might be another sort of test. I noticed the in the context of romantic relationships with deities, you might often be pushed to accept that even if you are not their equal, an excess of submissiveness does damage the personal component of their relationship. Sometimes they will want that you bargain, choose or argue things that They might easily just force/coax you into. Loki even encouraged you to get familiar with witchcraft in past so that doesn’t seem the action of someone who wants you blocked indefinitely. Maybe you are being pushed into action or just to discover you can get angry, even with a god. It sounds like something Loki might do, and I remember reading others of His being pushed in a similiar way.

    • Alex says:

      I agree with part two of this. That is very Loki-like, to push people past where they think they can go. And, if he’s encouraged you to do something, by all means DO IT even if you think you can’t–I can’t for the life of me wrap my brain around some of the shit I get gently asked to do, but I have to give it my best go anyways and keep trying til I get it right and not shrink away when I get it wrong.

      • Darkamber says:

        Loki wants me to do magick. I know I can do magick.
        However, doing magick is meaningless as long as he’s keeping me caged, because I’ll never be able to do any real progress like this.
        And, due to being majorly depressed, I don’t have any energy to do anything at all…

        • Alex says:

          If my God told me to do magic, I’d do it regardless of my situation. If He’s given you an assignment, it matters more to attempt to do it than let it slip because of your circumstances. How do you know what kind of progress you can make and why would you judge it when He is the final arbiter? What if He is trying to ‘see what you are made of’?

          Depression sucks, but part of the Work is doing as much as we can to pull it together and do the Work anyways. If I were in your shoes, I would think that was what Loki would want.

          • Darkamber says:

            I know only too well that I can’t make any real progress because of the block, and as long as Loki is in addition refusing to free me.
            Again, this is not that kind of test. It’s not about magick this time. It’s not about Loki wanting to see what I’m made of. It’s about Loki not trusting me enough to set me free.
            I simply do not have the energy to do any kind of spiritual stuff, when I don’t even have the energy to take care of myself properly.
            When you’re clinically depressed, you simply can’t “just pull it together”. It’s not a matter of will, it’s a matter of being ill. You wouldn’t say to someone with diabetes that they just have to pull it together and they wouldn’t have to take insulin, now would you?

    • Darkamber says:

      Regarding a):
      According to the one of the divinations/oraclings, Loki knows there are other deities who are interested in helping me, and this does not please him. He’s afraid I’ll turn to Someone else for help when I’m free, and love them and not him, or just him which is what he wants.
      Having consorts is something different. I can have consorts and have sex with them (seems like a rather business-like arrangement, trading sex for protection), but not love them.

      Regarding b):
      No, it’s not about testing me to see if I will fight back or get angry. I have, and it hasn’t made any difference. I’m not meek nor submissive, nor someone who’ll just accept and do what I’m told.
      This is about Loki being possessive and selfish.

      When you’re dealing with the “lower”, most human-like aspect of a deity – the deity as a subjective, emotional Person and not impersonal, objective Power – that’s the aspect where they are the most flawed and fallible.
      Gods as Persons don’t always do things to you with your best interest in mind. Sometimes gods are just mean, abusive and selfish bastards – not much different from (human) persons…
      After all, there is no Divine Rulebook the gods have to follow, where it says that they have any obligations to always be benevolent towards humans, nor treat us with respect, or treat our selves or our will as anything sacred.

      • seastruckbythecrossroads says:

        Tough, from my experience with past-lives-related shadow work, I don’t know if it would be even possible (or convenient anyway) for a deity to get free of the ‘Saboteur’on your account, if the saboteur is the residual of a past life. It works a bit like this for what i understand – balancing out the wrong choices you might have made in a past life with opposite/specular right choices evens out some kind of inner energetic scale – to understand where the blocking exhists and where the saboteur originates is reclaiming a figment of your whole soul-self . You can do that kind of work on your own, even if Loki won’t help. And if He hinders the process, what is to say you can’t seek assistance out of the norse pantheon (and if you decide to go with this route, I would advise The Morrigan – this is right up to Her alley)? If this trial is about making a conscious choice, maybe that choice is not about taking more oaths to Loki, but about removing the blockage by working on it alone? And even if it isn’t… are you willing to accept and give up, when you feel so deeply wronged?

        • Darkamber says:

          As far as I know, this Saboteur has to go, from what Loki has said.
          Sometimes a part of your Shadow is too negative to do anything with, except remove and kill it. This isn’t something one can do on one’s own, and since I don’t have anyone who can do magickal Shadow work to help me, it’s only Loki who can do it.
          I know where this Saboteur originates, or at least I think I do, if what I’ve been told is true. If it is, then it doesn’t even originate with me at all, but from someone else whose wyrd became entangled with my own. It’s a weird tale…

          No, I definitely do not want to turn to any other gods. Having one god in my life is already complicated enough, and if I turn to another god, I’m doing exactly what Loki fears I’ll do, so I won’t. Besides, I don’t know which gods might be interested in “helping/aiding”, and I don’t want to end up indebted to another god.

          No, the trial is definitely not about removing the block on my own. I can’t do it on my own, either, as long as Loki is blocking me.

          It’s not about accepting anything, it’s about having run out of anything more to give or say, and being too worn down and depressed to do anything more about this…

  3. castielnova says:

    Something feels off here. Out of character for Him and not… right. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it’s off that he’s carrying all the work. Very much against the norm in regards to Mister Mister, in my experience at least.
    When things need to be done, the one who does the work is me, he’s just there for back up or to act as a guiding hand and Shadow work is especially a personal thing. So why don’t you try it yourself?

    I think is is a puzzle and I doubt you have all the pieces just yet. But something feels off about this, big time.

    • Darkamber says:

      “Something feels off here. Out of character for Him and not… right”

      Well, I haven’t ever heard of Loki actively blocking someone from making spiritual progress before, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not happening to me, and all the pieces of the puzzle and the divinations clearly show that this is what is going on.

      Loki can’t be my guiding hand or back me up since I can’t interact with him directly myself.

      “So why don’t you try it yourself?”

      a) I haven’t the slightest idea how to
      b) Loki has told me that the block was created by a sexual trauma from a past life, and I’m not going to mess with that if it can trigger repressed memories (which is why he said to leave the work to him in the first place)
      c) There is no point in trying, even if I knew how to safely do it, since Loki doesn’t want the last bit of Block to be destroyed (yet)

      […] and I doubt you have all the pieces just yet.

      I haven’t mentioned every detail and bit of info I have collected during this year regarding the Block.
      Anyway, I do believe I have more than enough pieces to know what’s been going on; why the Block hadn’t been removed before I gave Loki the assurances he needed and seemed to want.
      What I don’t get now, is why he doesn’t just crush it and be done with it, ’cause I can feel him working on me constantly.

      • castielnova says:

        Hmmm. I’m not sure what to say which is why my response is so delayed…
        I spoke to my elder and he said it may have something to do with you being an important piece to something, something he needs to keep safe. I wouldn’t quote him on it…
        a)Meditation is the method I see most commonly, meditation with a dash of past life regression and be prepared for a hard journey. That’s the point of shadow work is dealing with bad things so you can move on
        b) Which is a risk, yes. Then again everything we do is a risk.
        c)I think there’s always a point in trying, in learning your own way through trial and error. It’s all I’ve got atm. And no I don’t have the pieces, sorry, just another perspective.
        So maybe it’s likewhat I said above… I mean I myself get the feeling he’s up to something and more than once he’s mentioned working on something that could change his image.
        Or maybe it’s rougher than you think, maybe something else. Just keep asking it. Badger him long enough and he’ll answer.

        • Darkamber says:

          Holy hells! You’re right!
          About Loki working on change; as in change himself, and not just his image.
          Just saw some UPG on it.

          • castielnova says:

            I am? Snap, go me. (By image I don’t mean the way he looks, but the way people perceive him, helping to shed the ‘Loki is a bad guy’ thing) Huh… What was the UPG?

            • Darkamber says:

              UPG – that Loki wants to transform himself to become a better Loki – as he has helped so many people transform to become the best them they can be.
              So he wants his spouses and consorts and friends to help him by being the best us we can be.

              • castielnova says:

                Huh, that does make a great deal of sense. Particularilly when you take into consideration that the gods may very well be as influenced by their whorshippers as we are by them…
                And He has said point blank that He wants His name to be on something good rather than.. Huh. That makes perfect sense. I’m gonna need to talk to Him about this.

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