First, a recap, since it seems that I’ve either not explained well enough what’s been going on, and since some people doesn’t seem to get it:
I have this huge Blockage that makes me “headblind” and prevents me from really doing much of anything spiritually/magickally. Loki began to work on this Block in mid-October last year. Loki has also been talking about this “Saboteur” I supposedly have, which He curiously called “him”, which apparently is some kind of leftover from a previous past life.
I can’t hear Loki (except for on a few very rare occasions), nor see Him, nor Journey to interact with Him. I’ve only been able to interact with Him in dreams, but he’s stopped visiting my dreams since mid-January.
Loki has kept telling me to leave the Block and the Saboteur to Him.
Several times He’s been all “it’s about to be crushed”, or “it’ll will be done before x date”.
In February Loki sent me a couple of very urgent messages via a Lokean friend, basically giving me a heads-up that he was about to crush the last bit NOW, and I got another message via another Loki-wife friend from my ancestors, where they said they wanted me to remember that they would be with me and support me when “the dam broke”. It all sounded very dramatic. Then, absolutely nothing happened.
Every single time nothing happened, and Loki’s kept telling me that it’s much more difficult and complicated than He thought, every time He hasn’t crushed the remaining bit and set me free. He says He’s tried to pull me over to Elsewhere, but that the Saboteur has still been too strong for Him to manage to do it.
I’ve been feeling for months that something about all this didn’t add up.
Then, through two recent divinations from non-Lokeans, I was finally able to put all the pieces together, from what Loki has said and done and not done, and from messages from my ancestors.
Obviously, if you want to know WTF is going on with a deity, don’t ask any of His people to do the divination. Gods are certainly more than capable of making the outcome of a reading turn out how They Themselves want it, if need be. Not to mention that at least several of the Norse gods seem to stick together, and even lie on behalf of their friend/ally.
Loki has been lying about the block for months.
He’s been able to crush the remaining bit of the block for months – I suspect since February
Problem is, he doesn’t want to. The divination said that He’s being very possessive and selfish. For some reason he’s afraid I’ll leave him if he sets me free, so he’d rather continue to keep me caged, even though it’s bad and unhealthy for me on all levels.
I guess he doesn’t think that I take the vows I gave him in the wedding ceremony seriously, since he doesn’t trust me…
I gave him an oath that I wouldn’t leave him just because he set me free. I did it as sincerely and in the most serious manner I could think of, and called to all my gods, Disir and ancestors to come and be witnesses to the oathing.
Two weeks later, and nothing was still happening…
I asked a Loki-wife friend is she could at least try to ask Loki if there was something more he wanted me to do in addition to this oath. She said that Loki had said “you shall love only me”.
Ok, fine with me, that was what I had wanted from the start anyway, and told Him dozens of times.
So, I gave yet another oath.
And still fuck all is happening.
As long as I’m still blocked, there won’t be any real progress on any level, emotional, personal, spiritual, nothing. Nor can I break out of this deep depression I’ve fallen into after the last major let-down by Loki, concerning the Block-crushing, which I thought would happen at the end of September, or at least before it had been a year since He began working on it.
And, no, I can’t break through the last bit of the block on my own, as some people keep telling me. Not when Loki doesn’t want me to be free…
If three oaths still aren’t enough to convince Loki to set me free, then I’m out of things to do. I’ve promised Him everything I am able to give, everything I am, except my free will and that part I’m not willing to give to anyone.
I have talked and talked and talked to Him. I’ve prayed and begged and pleaded. It obviously doesn’t have any effect. I’ve run out of things to say.
The only thing I had left to care about was Loki.
If Loki won’t trust me, nor give me even a smidgeon of respect, then there is nothing I, a mere mortal, can do.
I’m empty; there’s nothing left to give or say or feel.
On Monday it will be a year since this Block hell began.
I don’t have any hope any more that anything will change.
I give up…