So, Loki seemed to get furious with me on Saturday, because I asked Him about something I wanted to know were true or false about that dramatic first life. You know, the life both the Big Block and the Saboteur originates from.
I thought we we’re ok again on Sunday.
Then, on Monday night, I talked with another Loki-wife, and it turned out Loki was still furious with me. But He refused to say why. At first He didn’t even want t speak with me at all, but then He seemed to calm down, and spoke to me via my friend (i.e. she was my “ear”). He said He was sorry for hurting me, but He refused to say why He was so angry. He seemed to calm down and stop being angry, so I thought that now we’re ok, yeah?
On Tuesday I find out that He’d gone and angrily ranted about me to someone I’ve never communicated with, who reads this blog. I wasn’t sure if that was before or after I talked to Him via my friend. I asked this person, Rose, if she could try to talk with Loki for me. Maybe He’d talk to her.
Turns out He’s still furious!
He says He can’t get His message across to me by talking. He’s wrong.
I hear what He’s saying, but I don’t know how to do what He wants me to do.
I keep telling Him that I don’t understand. That I don’t understand how to do spellworkings in practice. Or how to “see with a balanced heart” in practise, when it comes to magick.Or how “trusting my connection” to Him can be used to find out what is true or what is false. Or how I go about “find the deep magick within and you’ll know your own truth.”.
This is all so intangible and obscure, and I just don’t know how to do things like these.
Yeah, I’m just too stupid to figure out what is glaringly obvious to Loki who is a god who has done magick for thousands of years…
It’s like when an IT-expert, who lacks pedagogic skills, gets pissed off because the user don’t understand what she’s explaining, because the user is just an idiot n00b.
Loki’s not even willing to try to help me understand.
He just keeps nagging and pushing and expecting me to figure out everything on my own.
It’s all” bwuh??” to me…
Seems to me that Loki isn’t hearing what I am saying.
I keep telling Him I can’t just do spellworkings, because I don’t understand how to do it.
Seems to me, He only hears “I can’t…”, and then He gets too angry to hear the rest, because He interprets that as “I won’t, just to be difficult”.
He won’t talk to me. He won’t explain anything.
I have prayed to Sigyn for help. She’s joined in helping Loki work on me. Maybe She can talk to Him on my behalf and get through to Him.
I don’t know what more I can do…
At least being this angry has made me shut down, so now I can’t hear any voices… Cold comfort…