I don’t know…

So, Loki seemed to get furious with me on Saturday, because I asked Him about something I wanted to know were true or false about that dramatic first life. You know, the life both the Big Block and the Saboteur originates from.
I thought we we’re ok again on Sunday.

Then, on Monday night, I talked with another Loki-wife, and it turned out Loki was still furious with me. But He refused to say why. At first He didn’t even want t speak with me at all, but then He seemed to calm down, and spoke to me via my friend (i.e. she was my “ear”). He said He was sorry for hurting me, but He refused to say why He was so angry. He seemed to calm down and stop being angry, so I thought that now we’re ok, yeah?

On Tuesday I find out that He’d gone and angrily ranted about me to someone I’ve never communicated with, who reads this blog. I wasn’t sure if that was before or after I talked to Him via my friend. I asked this person, Rose, if she could try to talk with Loki for me. Maybe He’d talk to her.
Turns out He’s still furious!

He says He can’t get His message across to me by talking. He’s wrong.
I hear what He’s saying, but I don’t know how to do what He wants me to do.
I keep telling Him that I don’t understand. That I don’t understand how to do spellworkings in practice. Or how to “see with a balanced heart” in practise, when it comes to magick.Or how “trusting my connection” to Him can be used to find out what is true or what is false. Or how I go about “find the deep magick within and you’ll know your own truth.”.
This is all so intangible and obscure, and I just don’t know how to do things like these.
Yeah, I’m just too stupid to figure out what is glaringly obvious to Loki who is a god who has done magick for thousands of years…
It’s like when an IT-expert, who lacks pedagogic skills, gets pissed off because the user don’t understand what she’s explaining, because the user is just an idiot n00b.

Loki’s not even willing to try to help me understand.
He just keeps nagging and pushing and expecting me to figure out everything on my own.
It’s all” bwuh??” to me…

Seems to me that Loki isn’t hearing what I am saying.
I keep telling Him I can’t just do spellworkings, because I don’t understand how to do it.
Seems to me, He only hears “I can’t…”, and then He gets too angry to hear the rest, because He interprets that as “I won’t, just to be difficult”.

He won’t talk to me. He won’t explain anything.
I have prayed to Sigyn for help. She’s joined in helping Loki work on me. Maybe She can talk to Him on my behalf and get through to Him.
I don’t know what more I can do…

At least being this angry has made me shut down, so now I can’t hear any voices… Cold comfort…

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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17 Responses to I don’t know…

  1. castielnova says:

    >.> If I may, I’ve read the last post and it’s comments. I don’t really have much to say except I understand not knowing or understanding. I know the frustration of not being sure and of double guessing everything. I’m not in exactly the same boat, but I am working with Mr Flamehair and walking the path of magic, so if I can, I’d like to help.

    By spellworkings, what do you mean exactly? What exactly is holding you up?

    • Darkamber says:

      Spellworkings – well, you want to achieve something, and you write a spell or draw a sigil. Maybe you even decide to use symbolic props as foci.
      Then you raise energy, focus the energy with your will and intent, and cast the spell by speaking the spell and shaping/directing the energy, or by charging the sigil.
      I’m unable to sense energy outside of myself, and for the most part I can’t sense my own.
      I can’t figure out _how_ I’m supposed to be able to cast spells when I can’t sense energy. Did I succeed in the spellcasting? Did I fail? Did I do something wrong? Did I do anything at all? I just don’t know…

      • castielnova says:

        Hmm, that’s been my problem too. Learning to feel and to discern what I sense. How to tell the difference between sock puppet and Other. It’s a bitch. Please excuse the incoming ramble.

        But one thing I’ve learned when it comes to spellwork is that doubt is your biggest enemy. Think of it like this: Casting a spell is like rolling a ball on a flat surface to hit a target. Doubting or second guessing the spell is like nudging the ball. It sends it off target and into another direction. In order for it to work you have to have complete faith that what you will, _will_ come to be. It should be a fact: that because you did the spell, the result will happen.
        It’s hard to fight off doubt when you can’t sense the energies you’re supposed to be working with and in the long run, faking it isn’t wise.
        One thing I have figured out is that sometimes energy doesn’t have to be consciously raised. Using sigil work for example can be a method of doing it on its own if you simply focus on what you’re doing while keeping in mind that the actions you’re making *will* result in your goal.

        “I can’t figure out _how_ I’m supposed to be able to cast spells when I can’t sense energy. ”
        That’s a tricky one but I read a book I’ll be happy to share with you if you like, that helped me with that problem. The writer theorised that any form of magic, any action if backed with focus and intend and the ‘decision’ that such action will result in the intended goal will work. That’s what magic is: Action that becomes the cause of the desired effect.

        For example if I wanted to ward my house I’d grab the sage and head to the most used door and light it. I would _decide_ that smudging it around the borders of my home while muttering “bad spirits in, good spirits out” would result in a ward guarding my home. I wouldn’t hope, or wish. I will decide that doing the action will result in the end goal. No ifs or buts. It was fact, a law, like gravity.

        I did this before I could sense or feel. And it worked. When it comes down to it, the deciding, the focus, the acting out: Those are all methods of raising energy even if in a subconscious manner. The act of deciding helps to push the doubt
        out of the way. In the aftermath you just have to leave it alone and remind remind yourself “So I willed it, so it is done.” with absolute authority (which explains why the big wigs of magic come off as so arrogant I suppose XD)

        If the above is totally off target, do tell me. Do you know what’s keeping you from sensing energy properly?

        yourself “So I willed it, so it is done.”
        If the above is totally off target, do tell me. Do you know what’s keeping you from sensing energy properly?

        • Darkamber says:

          THANK YOU!!

          “When it comes down to it, the deciding, the focus, the acting out: Those are all methods of raising energy even if in a subconscious manner. ”

          This is one of the very few things I’ve ever been told about magick that I can actually _understand_.
          It seems that most people who do magick can’t really remember what it was like being a total n00b, and the suggestions and tips they give seems to be advanced stuff for adepts, not advice for n00b novices.

          “If the above is totally off target, do tell me. Do you know what’s keeping you from sensing energy properly?”

          Yes, it’s a large blockage – what I call “the Big Block”.
          Loki has been working on breaking it down since mid-October last year.
          I’ve tried to do some things on my end. Like learn to read runes and listen to what my intuition tells me the runes say. Doing some simple rune magick. Working on issues like building up my self-esteem, and working on believing that I can do magick (which I do believe, it’s the practical part specifically of spellworkings I’ve had trouble understanding.)
          I was completely “energy blind”, but now I can sense a bit of energy. I can feel Loki as warmth when he is very close. I can feel that my palms have become warmer. I can feel heat with my palms in the chakras I can feel Loki working on.
          So, there _is_ progress. 🙂

          • castielnova says:

            Huzzah! And yes, people forget the way they used to see things. Frustrating but true. So you’re very welcome and I do hope it helps. It helped me and my confidence! 😀
            In time when you do learn to feel energy as I am starting to, the raising will come on it’s own. Till then, your intent and your actions will do the work for you. But you need that firm belief.

            Ah, I see. Well you should be able to get that worked out soon enough. ^^
            As a fellow newbie on this path (and as someone working with Mister Flamehair)
            I’m happy to chat to you about magic and such.

        • Darkamber says:

          “I read a book I’ll be happy to share with you if you like, that helped me with that problem.”

          Yes, please, do tell me which book this is. 🙂

  2. Solntse says:

    Don’t let him bully you. And keep trying to explain you don’t know how and he isn’t explaining it right. Sounds like he’s being an ass. Good luck and don’t forget that I’m here for you.

    • Darkamber says:

      I hope Sigyn can manage to get through to him for me…

      The problem is that Loki _doesn’t_ explain anyhting.
      Loki says: “Practise spellworkings!”
      Me: “But HOW? I don’t know how to DO it!”
      Loki:”See with your balanced heart”
      Me: “What does that even MEAN??”

      As explanations for a complete and utter n00b who has never done _any_ spellworkings, that seriously SUCKS…

  3. Aubs Tea says:

    The issue seems more like doubt is blinding you. My two cents.

    • Darkamber says:

      What do you mean?
      I don’t doubt that i can do magick, because I have done some types.

      • Aubs Tea says:

        The way I think of this is that you’re doubting the message he’s sending you. It’s not an ordinary message, by any means, because it needs to be deciphered. (Trickster deities – got to love them!) But you don’t think you can decipher the message.

        From what I’ve gathered from other tricksters, it can go one of two ways. The light gets turned on because you’ve figured it out or they’ll toss you over the cliff.

        • Darkamber says:

          No, I’m not doubting the messages he’s sending me. There isn’t anything _to_ decipher!
          I mean, he just keeps telling me to practise spellworkings, over and over. Nothing to doubt or decipher there.
          I try to tell him that I don’t know how to _do_ that in practise (I can understand the theory of spellcasting).
          The only other thing I can remember him saying is that thing about that I should “see with a balanced heart”. What does that even _mean_?
          I guess to see with my heart is about somehow being able to have some kind of intuitive feeling about whether I’m doing magick spells or not. About magickal insight, too, I guess. I don’t understand what a “balanced heart” is supposed to mean, though.
          But I don’t know _how_ to _do_this. I don’t understand.
          And when I try to explain that I don’t know how to do this, Loki just gets angry and ranty, and makes me feel like the biggest idiot ever.
          He doesn’t even _try_ to explain anything; he just expects me to figure this out entirely on my own.
          I guess I’ll get the cliff-toss then…

          • Aubs Tea says:

            That’s part of this path. Part of the whole point in this path is figuring it out on our own. I don’t work with a tricksters often. (I have a very special affinity for one and one only.) My main gal is Sekhmet. I don’t know if you know anything about her, but I’ll tell you how she works. She lays it out on the floor for me. Sometimes, it’s basic and in-my-face. Other times, I’m at a loss for what she wants because she talks in riddles. I think she’s related to the sphinx or something. Anyway, I can either figure it out, bang my head against the wall I’m stuck in front of, or walk away and let it come to me later.

            None of those options are fun or exciting. This path isn’t fun or exciting. It’s hard work. But it’s our hard work.

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