Confusion…

I’ve learned that it’s the Saboteur who has told me about my past life, not Loki. Loki was not happy about the Saboteur telling me anything about this past life in which it had been created.
Loki said that the Saboteur tells half-truths. But He won’t tell me what is true and what is false of what the Saboteur have told me. He claims that knowing more about that past life won’t be good for me, but not why it won’t be good for me, in which way.
I don’t understand why He won’t tell me. What could possibly be worse than what I’ve already been told? How can not knowing what are lies and what are truths be any better?

I tried to ask Him via another Lokean on Saturday, if He could at least tell me if what the Saboteur has told me about my identity in this past life is true or not.
He gave a message to the other Lokean to give to me. The way He worded the message made it clear He was angry. I have no idea why. I felt offended, angry and deeply hurt.
He answered: “Why the fuck would I answer such a literal question?”
He told me something like, reality is subjective and truths are relative. “There isn’t a market on the truth, no matter how badly you want for there to be. Deal with it. Pick the truth you like.”
This sounds like: there are no real truths; pick whatever you want to believe in, ’cause it’s all lies anyway.
That means that basic facts aren’t true either: I’m not really me, I don’t really live in this city, my mother isn’t really my mother, and Loki isn’t Loki.
Everything are lies and illusions.
So why should I bother to believe in anything, if nothing is really true? If there are no real truths, then nothing I have ever been told by Loki is true either.
If nothing is really true, then life has no meaning, there’s no point to anything, so why bother to make any efforts of any kind. Why not just lie down and wait for death.

Loki also said: “Tell her to find the deep magick within and she’ll know her own truth. It doesn’t come from me.”
WTF does that even mean? I have absolutely no idea how the hell I’m supposed to do something like this.
If who I was in this life is just my truth, then it isn’t a real truth.

I don’t understand why Loki couldn’t simply had said: “yes, it’s true” or: “no, it’s not true” or even: “you’re not ready to know yet”.

I tried to talk with Loki via another Lokean last night. He was still furious with me.
I still have no idea why, because He refused to tell me.
I asked “Why are you angry? What have I done?”
“Nothing,” Loki says.
This could mean He’s angry because of something I haven’t done, something I’ve said, or something I am. It’s difficult to know exactly how precise He is with his wording.
Or it could be the typical answer of Someone who’s angry, but won’t tell you why…

It’s impossible for me to talk with Loki directly, because I no longer have any idea who I’m hearing; Loki or the Saboteur or a sock puppet created by my own hopes or fears.

Well-meaning people have told me to “listen to my heart”. I guess this means something like listen to my feelings/intuition/inner voice. Yeah, like that is of any help when I don’t even know which voice is my own inner voice…
I can’t just feel what is true or false. I just feel confused, tired and hurt.

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About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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21 Responses to Confusion…

  1. The Rose Bell says:

    Hi, I know this probably sounds really weird but last night I received a visit from Loki (raging) and talking about talking to one of his followers. My first thought was you, but I don’t work with Loki and I don’t know much about his Pantheon. However, reading this now, I’m going to assume that it was truly him and he is truly trying to get a message across to you. He mentioned magick, again, but he said the person (lets assume it is you) is trying to see with their eyes when they should be seeing with their heart’s balance.

    Now, I don’t know you well, and I don’t know Loki well either, but I think the message he was trying to get across perhaps with the truths and lies comment lies in finding within yourself, the quiet voiceless judgment on what you hear, see, and practice. Magick is not always a performance or ritual, sometimes it is just being able to delve into our deeper soul, our higher selves, and learning to filter all the information we receive through our higher selves (our heart, our minds, our inherent wisdom that we don’t even know we have).

    I don’t know why he would be mad (though I think it is more the fact he is frustrated with the circumstances , rather than mad at you). Ultimately, I think his goal is for you to be able to find that magick within yourself, to come up with the answers on what is true and what isn’t (or rather, the nature of truth), because that will deepen your relationship to him. he is afterall, a trickster god, and illusions and truth-play are part of his dealings. If you can discover the way to see through these things clearly, then you will be able to see him clearly and understand his actions and decisions as well, on a much deeper level.

    I’m sure I sound like a complete crack head right now, but I would feel like I’m ignoring a responsibility if I didn’t at least share that with you. If the message wasn’t for you, then I don’t know who else because I don’t talk to many Lokeans. I tried to defend your position as well to him and after some honey mead and putting flowers in his beard he seemed to be alright (lol). He was still mad but I also reminded him that sometimes we as followers are blind and that is why we’re on their doorstep–and that you need his hand as much as he needs yours.

    I hope this is of some help maybe, and if not then I am sorry to have comment-spammed you haha

    Best,
    L.

    • Darkamber says:

      “he said the person (lets assume it is you) is trying to see with their eyes when they should be seeing with their heart’s balance.”

      Yet another heart comment…
      I really have NO idea with this actually means in practice.
      “See” with my “heart”, “listen” to my “heart”… How do you DO that??

      “finding within yourself, the quiet voiceless judgment on what you hear, see, and practice.”

      I just CAN’T find this thing, not with all the noise in my head. And I can’t shut the Saboteur up.

      As for magick in general, I don’t do magick, because I have NO idea how to do it.
      Loki keeps pushing me to “just do it”, to “experiment”, to “have fun”.
      It frustrates the hell out of me.
      How can I just DO magick, when I have absolutely NO idea if I’m actually doing anything at all, or whether or not it’s working?
      I can’t sense any energy/power/whatever. Trying to do magick is as meaningless as just waving a magicians plastic wand from a novelty shop around and going abracadabra. As far as I can tell, it gives the exact same result.
      I can’t experiment with magick, try to see what kind of magick I like or am good at or whatever, when to me nothing happens anyway.

      I don’t understand why Loki should be angry and frustrated with me, when he demands I do something I don’t know how to do, and He won’t teach me or explain anything to me. I have no idea how to figure out this on my own.
      I need a teacher, not someone who seriously overestimates me and get angry and practically yell at me when I can’t figure things out just by myself…

      I am so very, very tired of this, on all levels…

      • The Rose Bell says:

        I think you are still putting magick in a box. It is not all energy and sensing. Magick can simply be getting to know yourself, establishing who you are, and putting forth that identity.

        Let’s take for instance the concept of truth/lies. If you dig deep, to find out who you are (this is not, “who you’ve been” or what you’ve done in the past. Who you are is your instinctual emotions and responses), and then you really own up to that identity/image, then you are living your own truth. It is a “lie” and “illusion” because you are crafting the identity and making conscious effort to live it and be who you are (which is magick itself). The truth is that it is there, it is visible, and you exist. Therefore all is truth, and all is a lie simultaneously. One does not negate the other.

        I imagine Loki has his own breed of magick, which is not about a ceremony or waving a wand around, or molding energy. His magick is in knowing how to create truth and how to create lies–which is not taught in any book or by any teacher. It is learned by observing the world and establishing what is the truth and the lie in everything.

        I hope I do not come off condescending, I really do not intend to. I am not trying to lecture you or degrade you. I have been in your shoes once and I know the frustration, so I am trying to offer you a different perspective. Why is Loki mad? I don’t know. But I often don’t agree with deity’s emotions, and hence why I don’t work with them often.

        I hope this makes some sense? I am not a teacher so I am sorry if I fail at explaining things : (

        If its any consolation, I’ve had shitty past lives and lots of spirits yelling at me and all of that colliding in my head at once–it sucks and its aggravating and hard to focus, but it’s the sign that you’re on the brink of whatever it is that you’re about to discover. 🙂

        • Darkamber says:

          I know that “magick” can be a lot of different things. Astral work, divination, using psi talents, healing, etc.
          Loki wants me to specifically do spellwork. And that is what I have problems with.
          I have read about different types of magick, and I like the theory of chaos or freestyle magick, that you’re supposed to use whatever you believe will work there and then. I’ve been told (by Loki) that it is about using your will. Will is power is magick. I have some understanding of the theory of spellworking. You use your will and intent to manipulate power/energy to achieve the goal.
          But I don’t know how to DO it in practice. I’m supposed to just be able to figure out this on my own, and I don’t know HOW to.
          So, I’m not as smart or whatever as Loki expects me to be when it comes to figuring out how to practise magick. Loki continuing to pressure me and get angry with me does so not help. Getting angry with me when I ask questions because I want to understand does not help.
          It just makes me feel very stupid, and is giving me an increasing aversion towards that kind of magick.

    • Darkamber says:

      To see things with your heart, means things like having compassion and empathy, doesn’t it?
      So, it’s not just about feeling; it’s also about using one’s mind and not be too judgemental.

      But what on Earth does this have to do with magick and spellworkings??

      • The Rose Bell says:

        One cannot do a spell if one cannot see clearly–through all their “eyes”, their heart, their mind, their gut…..If those things are blind, your spell will not work. It will fall through because it’s made on unstable ground. It needs a clear channel to work through, you the individual are that channel. So you can try as hard as you may to do spellwork, but if your whole being isn’t there or in the right state, it’s going to feel like you’re doing nothing at all. (And rightfully so, you’ll want to throw your proverbial wand out a window haha)

        Also, I’d argue that it’s not always about empathy. The heart does amazing things. It really does NOT lie. It is the one thing that no matter how hard you fight it–it will continue to scream its message to you whether you like it or not, or even if all the circumstances point to one conclusion, the heart may be pointing to the opposite but it is never wrong. So it is less about empathy and compassion and more about learning to listen to the heart and learning not to fight it either. And yes, it is also about using your mind–but less about being judgmental, and more about not making those judgments too early–teaching the mind to quiet and watch for a bit before coming to a conclusion–this takes some effort. You quite literally have to tell your brain to shut up, and it will fight back, but keep at it.

        Spell work is hard. There’s definitely no sugar coating that. But loki is loki…he’ll throw his temper tantrums because that’s part of who he is. : / However, I know you can do it. That sounds gay and woo woo, but really. I know you can. The man wouldn’t be frustrated if he knew you couldn’t. And when you finally cross that bridge, you’ll both look back while clinking mead cups and laugh at how hard it seemed before.

        You’ll get there, just work first on yourself. Don’t worry about the magick and spellwork part—that will fall into place. Focus on you, yourself, your ways of thinking and feeling. And take your time. There’s no rush. : )

        • Darkamber says:

          Well, my “heart” seems to be blind and deaf when it comes to spellworkings…

          Loki himself has shown me that I _can’t_ trust my “gut”, or what I “feel”, my intuition. He showed me that it can be manipulated. He manipulated my “gut feeling”/intuition and made me feel something that was a lie.

          I _still_ don’t understand what “seeing with my heart” is supposed to mean in practise, when it comes to spellworking…

          And Loki won’t explain anything…

          “Don’t worry about the magick and spellwork part—that will fall into place.”

          How can I _not_ worry myself sick about this when Loki is pushing so hard, like there is some kind of deadline??
          I don’t understand why he’s so terribly frustrated, when I’ve told him repeatedly that I can’t do this on my own?

    • Darkamber says:

      I’ve been re-reading your comments.
      “Seeing with” and “listening to” your heart. What does that really mean?
      What exactly do you see with, and listen to?
      Is it your own inner voice you mean? Or is it about paying attention to what _feels_ right or wrong?
      But how on earth do you _see_ with your heart and emotions? Is it “see” as in “perceive”?

      Do you understand what Loki meant with “seeing with their heart’s balance”?

      One of my problems with understanding things like this, is that I’m _very_ literal minded.

  2. The Rose Bell says:

    Also i’m sorry to be writing you tomes for comments, feel free to tell me to shut up xD

    • Darkamber says:

      No, no, write ahead.
      Since it was you Loki came and ranted to, maybe you can help me understand. I don’t know.
      Maybe you can get him to talk to you, about why he’s so angry with me and frustrated; what the hurry is.
      He certainly won’t speak “directly” to _me_ via anyone…

      What is the message that he’s trying to get across to me, that he won’t simply tell me himself when I talk to someone who can be my “ear” to him??
      What was he ranting about?
      Did he say anything more about magick?

      • The Rose Bell says:

        Magick wasn’t his primary concern (when speaking to me anyway). He was mostly concerned with the fact that you are not hearing his words for what he is saying, but hearing them for what you are feeling. Meaning, you are so frustrated with what he wants you to do, that instead of hearing him, you are only hearing his anger.

        I know it’s hard not to worry about the magick part because you feel that’s what he’s mad about, but remember you have a right too, to tell him to keep his panties on and deal with it for a little while. (And perhaps, that’s what he wants you to do).

        In regards to why he won’t speak to you directly, I didn’t get an answer. I asked (because as I am not a lokean nor familiar with that pantheon, I don’t know what good I could do to help you), and he just said that he could not get his message across by talking to you, he’ll have to find another way. He was sort of just yelling garbled unfinished sentences ;p He may perhaps be frustrated too that you keep saying “I can’t”, as he did yell that a few times.

        You say he taught you that you can’t trust your gut because it can be manipulated–ok, so what is the next step? To be able to recognize when it’s being manipulated, which your current conundrum sounds like a prime learning stage for such context.

        He’s pushing you hard because he is Loki–maybe he has some gentle ways with some things, but he’s still a rough trickster god–Pushing you hard, and pushing you to your limits is part of the package. Pushing you until you go crazy is also standard fare from any trickster being. It’s not easy to hear that, and it’s not easy to swallow and accept either–but that’s why it is rewarding.

        • Darkamber says:

          He’s only telling me to “practice spellworking” over and over. He’s not even _trying_ to help me understand anything. So there simply _aren’t_ any words I’m not hearing for what he’s saying…
          I keep telling him that I don’t know how to figure out how to actually do spells in practise, and I keep asking what’s the sodding rush.
          To me it seems like he’s not really hearing what _I_ am saying.
          It’s like he’s only hearing “I can’t” and take it as meaning “I won’t, I refuse to, just to be difficult”.

          “he just said that he could not get his message across by talking to you,”
          Gee, I wonder why he can’t… I guess it couldn’t it possibly have something to do about him being rude, offensive, aggressive and saying things he should know makes me feel incredibly stupid, and hurt?
          How does he expect to get his message across, when he won’t really explain anything and help me understand, and just get angry when I ask because I want to understand? To me it seems like he’s not really _trying_ to get his message across by talking to me.
          I don’t understand why he can’t just talk to me in a civilised manner and help me understand, when I say I find this too difficult to figure out completely on my own.

          I have absolutely _no_ idea how to figure out when my gut/heart/emotions are manipulated, when Loki takes advantage of my hopes and uses them to manipulate me.
          I don’t understand how I’m supposed to listen/see with my “heart” when I don’t know if it’s being manipulated.

          He’s said that I might be free of the Saboteur and the Big Block in a couple of months, so why on Earth is he suddenly throwing a _temper -tantrum_, now??
          He’s said that I’ll reach a “tipping-point” and that after that I’ll begin to be able to sense energy.
          I thought we’d reached an understanding, that after _that_ I could begin to try ding spell, when I could be able to sense that I was actually _doing_ anything.
          But obviously not…

          Loki should know by now that pushing me too hard isn’t going to accomplish anything. If he just pushes and yells, but won’t do anything at all to help me understand, he’ll just accomplish making me not want to do anything at all. I just don’t work like that…

          BTW, when did he rant at you, your time?
          I’m trying to figure out if it was _before_ or after he seemed to calm down and talked to me via a friend.

          • The Rose Bell says:

            To be honest, he is Loki. I imagine that screaming is pushing is just how he is–whether it accomplishes anything or not is debatable, but I do think that’s part of his lesson–learning to cope with that. Again, I’m not a Lokean, so don’t take my word for it.

            Other than that, I really don’t know what else to say. I am only a messenger : < But I think the best course of action is to start at the beginning, your emotions and frustrations, and go through them one by one and conquer them. Frustration sometimes makes us blind to the easiest things.

            I think it was around 2 AM EST, but honestly I do not quite remember :/

            • Darkamber says:

              Then Loki ranted at you _after_ he had talked to me, seeming to calmed down and to not be angry at me anymore… Great…

              _Loki_ is what is making me frustrated, and angry, and hurt – I don’t know how I can conquer this, when he keeps making me feel like this… 😦

              • The Rose Bell says:

                You conquer it by accepting who he is, and not who you want him to be. Loki will not coddle your feelings, but break them down until you have nothing left and are forced to build yourself back up. Which is why he is both terrible and great, and a God difficult to meddle with.

                • Darkamber says:

                  I don’t expect/want Loki to be anything he’s not; I’m not trying to make him be something he’s not.
                  No, Loki won’t break me down until there’s nothing left. He’s said “why break what is already broken”. And he’s being very gentle with me, because my ancestors wants him to, and he don’t want to hurt me more than is absolutely necessary.

  3. von186 says:

    I think it is in the nature of gods to write in fortune cookie speech to make us work for the answer, and make our brains break in the process. It’s part of the process. SOmetimes we have to destroy parts of ourselves to really grok what is being said, to really soak it in. Part of the frustration and anger is part of the process.

    FWIW, I do have a basic magix series, which may give you ideas on ways to approach things. This sort of thing is very gut driven. If you don’t connect well with your gut, you’re not going to get very far. But also, throwing rocks at your mental pond (by getting worked up and upset) isn’t going to help you see the answers at hte bottom either. Sometimes, the best solution is to sit still and wait for the answer to come to you. Only through sitting silently can the answer be heard.

    • Aubs Tea says:

      I’m thinking about the bowl-bearing for Sygin thing when I think about the sitting in silence. I hear that’s a really good way to connect with deity.

      • von186 says:

        I have no clue on that. All I know is that Set has taught me more than once that sitting still is part of strategy, part of war, too. Sometimes holding tight can do wonders.

  4. If knowing the details of your past life is so important to you that you just can’t let it go you could always try past life regression hypnosis. Speaking of the heart I think Loki means your deepest truths those gut reactions to something that is unique to each person based on their own life experiences, and how they precieve things In his own circular logic/creptic way of speaking Loki is telling you to discover for yourself what makes you well you. He wants you to find the power of your own truths and convictions for yourself. It’s that whole hippy dippy new age finding yourself, journey to the heart stuff.

    • Darkamber says:

      I can’t afford another guided past life regression. Besides, I’m pretty sure that if there is something Loki doesn’t want me to know, he wouldn’t have any problems blocking any visions.

      How can discovering what makes me <i<me and finding the power of my own truths and convictions help me understand how to do spellworkings?
      Loki’s said I’m pretty true to myself, so do I still need to “find myself”?
      What do you mean with “journey to the heart”? I find it very difficult to understand all these heart metaphors…

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