I’ve learned that it’s the Saboteur who has told me about my past life, not Loki. Loki was not happy about the Saboteur telling me anything about this past life in which it had been created.
Loki said that the Saboteur tells half-truths. But He won’t tell me what is true and what is false of what the Saboteur have told me. He claims that knowing more about that past life won’t be good for me, but not why it won’t be good for me, in which way.
I don’t understand why He won’t tell me. What could possibly be worse than what I’ve already been told? How can not knowing what are lies and what are truths be any better?
I tried to ask Him via another Lokean on Saturday, if He could at least tell me if what the Saboteur has told me about my identity in this past life is true or not.
He gave a message to the other Lokean to give to me. The way He worded the message made it clear He was angry. I have no idea why. I felt offended, angry and deeply hurt.
He answered: “Why the fuck would I answer such a literal question?”
He told me something like, reality is subjective and truths are relative. “There isn’t a market on the truth, no matter how badly you want for there to be. Deal with it. Pick the truth you like.”
This sounds like: there are no real truths; pick whatever you want to believe in, ’cause it’s all lies anyway.
That means that basic facts aren’t true either: I’m not really me, I don’t really live in this city, my mother isn’t really my mother, and Loki isn’t Loki.
Everything are lies and illusions.
So why should I bother to believe in anything, if nothing is really true? If there are no real truths, then nothing I have ever been told by Loki is true either.
If nothing is really true, then life has no meaning, there’s no point to anything, so why bother to make any efforts of any kind. Why not just lie down and wait for death.
Loki also said: “Tell her to find the deep magick within and she’ll know her own truth. It doesn’t come from me.”
WTF does that even mean? I have absolutely no idea how the hell I’m supposed to do something like this.
If who I was in this life is just my truth, then it isn’t a real truth.
I don’t understand why Loki couldn’t simply had said: “yes, it’s true” or: “no, it’s not true” or even: “you’re not ready to know yet”.
I tried to talk with Loki via another Lokean last night. He was still furious with me.
I still have no idea why, because He refused to tell me.
I asked “Why are you angry? What have I done?”
“Nothing,” Loki says.
This could mean He’s angry because of something I haven’t done, something I’ve said, or something I am. It’s difficult to know exactly how precise He is with his wording.
Or it could be the typical answer of Someone who’s angry, but won’t tell you why…
It’s impossible for me to talk with Loki directly, because I no longer have any idea who I’m hearing; Loki or the Saboteur or a sock puppet created by my own hopes or fears.
Well-meaning people have told me to “listen to my heart”. I guess this means something like listen to my feelings/intuition/inner voice. Yeah, like that is of any help when I don’t even know which voice is my own inner voice…
I can’t just feel what is true or false. I just feel confused, tired and hurt.