Past life trauma, part 2: The Saboteur

The Saboteur was also created in this past life, by another trauma.
I have no memories of this; I only know what Loki has told me.
Some years after the torture, I was set up and provoked into an insane rage (I think it was by triggering the memories of the torture), then “let loose”. In my rage (and fear), I killed a sibling, and one other person. I also lost my parents.
As far as I can make out of what Loki has given me impressions of, it was decided by the tribe’s chief that the only thing that could be done for me, was to send me on to the next life, to start over. I was laid down on a stone altar, and stabbed in the heart during some kind of magical/mystical ritual.

I have learned a lot about the Saboteur since I last mentioned it in this blog.
The Saboteur was created by the immense guilt of having killed my sibling, when I regained enough lucidity to realise what I had done, before descending even further down into madness than before this happened. Interestingly enough, Loki refers to the Saboteur as “he”, not “it” as I do, maybe because it was created in a life where I was male?

This Saboteur is not the same as a saboteur in a Jungian psychology sense, which is an aspect of your “shadow” created in your current life.

In Jungian psychology, the shadow or “shadow aspect” may refer to […] an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not recognize in itself. Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of ones personality, the shadow is largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects which may also remain hidden in ones shadow (especially in people with low self esteem). Contrary to a Freudian conceptualisation of shadow, therefore, the Jungian shadow often refers to all that lies outside the light of consciousness, and may be positive or negative. “Everyone carries a shadow,” Jung wrote, “and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” It may be (in part) one’s link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind.

The Jungian saboteur isn’t stronger than yourself, and you can deal with it either through professional help, non-magickal or magickal Shadow Work. The Jungian shadow contains traits/parts you reject and try to hide from yourself (or others) out of fear or shame, and it also contains hidden fears. The more you reject them, the stronger the shadow becomes.
In non-magickal Shadow Work, it’s believed that you can’t kill your shadow (nor any aspects of it, it seems) and that trying to fight and kill it will only make it stronger. Instead you’re supposed to find ways to integrate your shadow aspects into your conscious mind.
In magickal Shadow Work, however, it’s recognised that sometimes the best solution is to kill an aspect of your shadow, because it’s just too negative to let itself be integrated. A saboteur aspect seems to be a typical example of this.

I read somewhere an interesting belief, that personality is the person you are in your current life, and individuality is the “personality” of your spirit which follows you through all reincarnations. So if a Jungian saboteur is a shadow aspect of your personality, then the Saboteur is a shadow aspect of my individuality.
Maybe we can also call it “body-mind” and “spirit-mind”, to separate the two.

Loki has told me that the Saboteur is a part I don’t need, and He’s working on getting rid of it and killing it. As far as I can understand, Loki is working on separating the Saboteur from the rest of me before He can remove it.
Loki has explained that it is a complicated procedure getting rid of it, because it has roots in pieces of the Big Block, and also in me (my chakras, I think He meant). He has to be careful with pulling the roots out of the Block pieces, to prevent any trauma memories from being accidentally triggered.
This is definitely work I am in no way qualified to do any of myself, not to mention that I’d have no idea how to even begin pulling out any roots since they’re completely invisible to me.
What I can do is lessen the Saboteur’s foothold in me, by working on my belief in myself,  and strengthen my self-esteem by acknowledging the positive aspects hidden in my Shadow. It is very true that positive aspects of one’s personality can be hidden when you have low self-esteem. Loki had to point them out to me.

My Saboteur is a part of me as old as my spirit, and because it’s so old, it seems to have developed into a semi-entity. Like a psychological/spiritual Siamese twin, malignant as a cancer tumour. In some ways it is stronger than I, the current me, is. It simply can’t be integrated, because that will mean its death, and it definitely do not want to die.
It has tried different strategies to mess with me and turn me against Loki (because Loki is the one working on killing it). The more threatened it felt, the more serious the harassment became. It was really weird. There is definitely something to the belief that the more it’s fought, the stronger it gets. I have this image of it first being a black cloud, then becoming increasingly more solid until it turns into a slimy, black slug.
First it “raised it’s voice” and tried to make me believe it was Loki.
The next thing it did was to influence my pendulum, so it became a completely unreliable method of trying to communicate with Loki.*
It blocked Loki so I couldn’t hear Him at all.
Then it tried to influence me emotionally into feeling pity for it, making me think that maybe, if I could manage to talk to it (or even with it), we could find a way to co-operate, so it didn’t have to be killed. For a brief moment I even envisioned that I could heal that part of my spirit-mind by telling it that it shouldn’t feel guilty for something that it hadn’t had any control over, and that it was forgiven by it’s sibling (I met this sibling in a trance vision). Yeah, that turned out to be a real “pipe dream”…
When that strategy didn’t work, it began to access my “hidden” powers; powers I can’t consciously access myself, yet. Yeah, that was an absolutely bizarre and surreal thing to discover. I felt like I had entered the Twilight Zone…
The Saboteur began to act just like I’ve read “bad” spirits do. Which made me wonder about “spirit attacks”. I think that it’s quite possible that some in cases where people have Powers, the attacks can be self-generated by their own body-mind shadow.
I know that this will seem crazy and unbelievable, but I’m going mention it anyway, just in case someone has had similar experiences.
The Saboteur used my own Powers to manipulate energy, my own energy, using it to “sexually harass” me.** When it happened I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was Loki being a real bastard, not leaving me alone. After all, He has been a major dick to piss me off on purpose, because the energy anger generates is useful to Him in His work on my Big Block. I got so furious, I dismantled His altar and shrine, announced loudly to my ancestors that in my opinion not respecting that “no means no” was a reason for divorce and that I was hereby declaring a separation from Loki, and I removed my wedding ring and put it away. For a short time, the Saboteur had been successful in making me turn against and away from Loki, making His work on me more difficult since I refused to co-operate. Talking with a couple of Lokean friends cleared up the misunderstanding. I felt quite stupid for having been tricked like that, and I felt really bad about having treated Loki like that.
That was the “top” of the Saboteur’s interference.
A while later I was able to begin to block it from influencing my pendulum, by using a simple rune spell and focusing really hard. I sometimes get answers that seem “off”, but I’m getting better at sensing when they are “off”.
Then I began to hear Loki again. There is still quite a bit of interference, though.
As far as I can make out from talking with Loki, He’s managed to remove the Saboteur’s roots from me.
He’s still working on removing it. I don’t know why He can’t just pull it out already…

*The theory behind pendulum work, is that it’s moved by minute muscle movements that your hand and arm makes. If you ask questions of no-one in particular, you can access knowledge from your own subconscious mind, or your spirit-mind. It’s therefore easy for the Saboteur to take control over the pendulum.
If you ask questions of a specific spirit or deity, I think that they can either give you answers subconsciously, or if you have a strong connection or bond, they might be able to affect your muscles directly. After all, non-corporeal entities are energy, and so are nerve-impulses that makes muscles move.

**I’m able to manipulate energy a little; I can feel it when I draw energy down from Loki and through my higher chakras (I feel the energy when it’s in the chakras, but not outside of me). I can also feel energy in my root chakra when I draw it up from my “roots” down in the earth, but I can’t feel it if I try to draw it further up.
See also my description of “energetic sex” in the post “God Sex”.

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
This entry was posted in Blocks, Magickal Shadow work, Psychology and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Past life trauma, part 2: The Saboteur

  1. kajanamullein says:

    Your summary of the process up to now gave me a lot of food for thoughts on my own experiences again :O)

  2. Pixie says:

    Hmm, yes, I believe this upcoming year (starting on my birthday in September) I will be doing a lot of Shadow work. Thanks for giving me some information and sharing your experiences.

    Perhaps you’ve mentioned this before I just don’t know what post it is but how did you know it was time to start working on the Big Block? In the past, I have been afraid of doing Shadow work because really, there doesn’t seem to ever be a good time considering the nature of the work.

    • Darkamber says:

      I didn’t even know I _had_ a Big Block, until Loki sent me a nightmare that really freaked me out, and when I went and did some major flailing at a friend (who can channel), He saw it necessary to jump in and take over and tell me why He did what He did. He told me that the nightmare had drawn a big block to the surface (of my consciousness?) so He could begin to work on it.

  3. moonfire2012 says:

    Now I can’t help but wonder if my own frequent migraines and other strange physical problems might be related to something psychic or a past life. Also I don’t trust telepathy because I can’t tell my own internal chatter from when someone is really talking to me unless it’s really dramatic and obvious, which is rare.

  4. Reading this experience really spoke to me, as does your whole blog. I’m a devoted Thor’s woman, but I like Loki very much and his lessons, harsh as they often are, always leave me wiser for it.

    The saboteur experience really spoke to me because I have so many of my own past life blocks and fears and obstacles which seem to act in much the same way and which are also a work in progress to remove. Also, I get the same effect with interference getting in the way of the truthful answers.

    Reading what you’ve written here makes me feel less alone in my struggle in this, so, I thank you for posting it, something I’d never dare do, being stuck in ‘introvert’ mode. Lol.

    Anyway, I just had to say that. 🙂

  5. Pingback: The Saboteur, part 2 – Origin | Fire and Ink

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