(Big Block workings, week… who cares…)
I’m having bonding sessions with both Freyr and Fenrir, now, for protection, among other things.
Freyr is a healer, and good with emotional and mental issues. He is also very good with helping you open up your heart to the gods.
Loki is still working on breaking down the Big Block and getting rid of the Saboteur.
He is also working on removing the memories of the trauma that created the Big Block, so there won’t be any chance of them ever being triggered.
The trauma is from my first life. I have finally been told the whole story about this past life and the trauma. Loki dropped the first clue back in October.
I have seen some images of this life in a past life regression meditation, before I realised why this life was important. I saw myself with long, black hair, dressed in furs and leaning on a spear. I was male. I got the impression it was a very long time ago – not surprising, since it was my first life..
In this life I was the victim of extreme sexualised torture (by an enemy of my father). I was about 12 years old. It eventually broke my mind and made me insane.
I have to deal with it in some way, though, but Loki is being very careful and gentle. He is giving me knowledge of what happened in small portions, so I won’t get too upset. If I get too upset, I tend to withdraw and shut down.
He is not making me relive any of the memories, but He wants me to have knowledge of them – so I won’t be used by similar people. I don’t quite understand this, I mean, I have no intentions of getting involved with a sexual sadist! In fact, I have no intention getting sexually involved with a human, ever.
When I have been in a light trance during work sessions, Loki has shown me short scenes from my hidden memories. I always see it from a slight distance and a third person POV. What I see is also a bit blurred, muky, and there are no sounds, or any emotions connected with the scenes. It’s like watching a video of a slightly out of focus and badly lit scene.
Some of what I have seen have still been bad enough to make me so nauseated that I had to run to the bathroom and bend over the wc.
Loki has made me deal with the emotional part by sending me short nightmares. The settings are always modern, and different from what it would have been in the original memories. I only see things up to a certain point, and know what happens after, but I don’t see the real horror.
No wonder it’s taking so long to crush the blockage. It’s not something that can simply be “popped”; that would release all the traumatic memories, and I’m not sure I could’ve relieved any of it without having a psychotic breakdown.
Loki said that if He worked any faster than He did, it would affect me on all levels.
Now I understand what my ancestors meant when they asked Loki to be gentle with me (in working on removing the Big Block) because “she has been through a lot”.