Loki has told me on more than one occasion that He wants me to start practising magick, as in spellwork.
He wants me to “just do it”, to “experiment” and to “have fun”.
Last push I got was Him telling me to “stop studying and start practising”.
This causes me a hell of a lot of frustration.
The major source of my frustration is: I’m completely unable to sense or see energy.
How can I manipulate energy when, to me, there’s absolutely nothing there to manipulate?
It’s like being told to experiment with mixing colours from a handful of bottles, and to experiment with different painting techniques.
Problem is, the paint is invisible. When you pour some on your paper, you can’t even feel with your fingers that there’s anything there.
How can you experiment with something you can’t see?
How can you manage to find out what types of spellworkings you like and are good at when you have no idea if you’ve actually done anything at all, and you certainly can see any results?
I feel terribly lost and frustrated.
It’s like being told to jump right into the advanced class of writing, instead of starting in the beginners class and learn the absolute basics.
How can you write poems if you can’t write and don’t even know the letters?
It would have made sense to me if I began with lessons that would actually help me sense and see energy, so it wouldn’t seem completely and utterly pointless.
The other issue I have is: what on Earth am I supposed to use magick for?
I’m still a solitary n00b, fledgling witch. I just don’t feel any need to use spells in my private life.
I can see it would be practical doing energywork on oneself. Checking my own body and see if my energy channels and centres were clear or needed working on.
But what am I supposed to use spells for or on or whatever? Not to mention, why do I need to cast any spells in the first place??
When googling spells and spellwork, it’s all about getting love or sex or money.
I just get the impression that people do spellwork for mundane, material, unnecessary things. Instead of actually making a real effort to get what they want, they try a “quick fix”; do a spell and expect to have the gods or the universe or whatever to just hand it to them.
It’s like, if you really want to loose weight, don’t pop “slim” pills and think it will work miracles. Get up off your fat ass and engage in some physical activity and have a healthy, moderate diet!
I only know about two types of spell-workings:
Verbal – The traditional write a spell and say it out loud.
Visual – Draw a sigil or symbol that represents the desired goal.
In both cases – from what I’ve learned – you’re supposed to raise energy which you use to power the spell by using your will.
I have tried about half a dozen such spells, and none of it has worked.
The types of magick that at least sounds like something I would like to do, is Thelemia, Visual magick and Chaos magick (or freestyle magick).
Written spells isn’t really my thing, especially not if they are written in some kind of elaborate, flourishy, old grimoir type style. That just sounds daft and incredibly pompous when saying it out loud. It might sound good in a ritual, ceremonial magick setting with a group, but not when you’re alone, IMO. Ceremonial magick also seems rather pointless when you’re solitary, IMO.
It’s been suggested to me that I could try to use items, like a wand or an athame and such like. Those are just props, and would make it feel even more like I’m trying to re-enact a scene from a fantasy movie. IMO, there’s no need for a fancy dagger or a goblet or a wand with semi-precious stones and mystical symbols on it; a butter knife and a glass from the kitchen and a stick from a tree would work just as fine…
When it comes to protecting, cleansing and warding my home and myself, I use herbs and stones and runes, not spells.
Does it work? I have absolutely no idea; I can’t sense any difference. I do it because I’ve been told it’s a smart thing to do…
The frustration has reached a point where just seeing “spell” or “spellwork” mentioned makes me feel trapped and strangled.
I keep getting this feeling that there is a basic piece of information that I just don’t have. Something that would make me really understand this magick thing.
Just to make it clear, I’m ranting to vent, not fishing for sympathy…
Sometimes I have a sneaking suspicion that making me frustrated about this is exactly what Loki intends…