There’s always bloody something, isn’t there…

Loki had planned to free me from the last bits of the Big Block before April 1st. Things did not work out the way we had imagined.
I’ve done quite a bit of pendling and communicating with Loki and my ancestors, in addition, I’ve also communicated with my ancestors via a spirit-worker friend, and received a message from Loki from another spirit-worker friend.

To go back to the beginning:
Last autumn I received hints in dreams about a past life, both from Loki and an unknown woman (goddess?)*, where I had betrayed Loki by being unfaithful to Him with what seemed to be another deity.
Loki wanted me to remember more of “our life together” and that I should do so by having a guided past life regression meditation.
I found someone who seemed ok, and got an appointment at the end of October.
What I found out about my past life, was that Loki had been away from me for a very long time, and I felt very lonely and abandoned.
Then Freyr appears, all shining beauty and sweet words. I want so much to be loved and not be lonely; I’m weak, and let myself be seduced by Freyr.
I got the impression that it was a brief affair.
Then reality comes crashing down on me, and I realise what I have done. I have betrayed Loki, the love of my life. I have thrown away our relationship for a brief fling. I have destroyed myself, for life without Loki is not worth living.
The pain and grief I felt during the regression were so intense it completely knocked me off my feet for four days.
(I wrote about my experience here and here.)

Aprils 1st comes and goes again. Nothing happens.

On Wednesday, I decide to try and communicate with Loki, to see if I can find out what’s going on.
Turns out that my ancestors have put their foot down, and won’t allow Loki to free me from the last bit of the block. WTF?
I communicate with my ancestors. They stopped Loki’s work for my sake, apparently. It’s something about Loki’s and my second marriage that will take place Elsewhere. They want us to be married before Loki crushes the block? WTF?

This is too complicated for yes/no questions.
I contact another Loki-wife who has talked to my ancestors before.
This, combined with a message from Loki via another Lokean spirit-worker, and some more pendling on my part, gives me this information:

My ancestors stopped Loki in His work to free me, because Freyr had approached them and wanted to be a part in my bridal negotiations; He wants to court me.
Frey?! WTF?
Why the hell is He interfering with my life, again? Wasn’t one time more than enough? Why does He want to come between me and Loki again, when He knows the utter disaster this caused for me the last time?
My initial reaction is to get so furious that I burst into tears. I also feel deeply hurt, because this rips the scab right off the emotional wound experiencing my past life gave me.
And I feel scared and threatened. I don’t want any suitors, courting me to be my lover, neither deity nor human. I only want Loki! What if Freyr will try to seduce me again, and I’m too weak to resist, because I’m only a mortal human? Can He seduce me against my will? Gods aren’t supposed to coerce you to love them, but do everyone respect that?

Apparently, Freyr still loves me. He doesn’t want to be “unattended”. He wants my service and love no matter of what kind. He still wants to be in my life, in whatever capacity I would like to have Him.
He says He just wants me to be happy, and wants what is best for me.
IMO, if He truly loved me, He would have stayed away from me and not interfered, again.
I do not love Him in this life. I do not want to serve Him. I do not want to have Him in my life, at all.

Loki wants me to talk with Freyr via one of His wives.
“Talk to Freyr and everything will be all right,” He said.
I’m going to do that on Sunday. Not looking forward to it.

*In the dream I saw three women, all in dark grey cloaks or robes with hoods pulled down so I couldn’t see their faces. The woman to the far right showed her face to me. Her face changed and became a stylized wooden mask, with round holes for eyes and the mouth.

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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9 Responses to Complications

  1. journeymaid says:

    Oh wow… sounds like things just got complicated! =/

    As for being seduced by your will…. unfortunately I’d say it is possible. After all, he is a god. BUT since you’ve got Loki on your side I’d say you’ll be fine. =)
    Hugs and good luck tomorrow!

  2. Salena says:

    Sounds like this is being made into far more than it needs to. Freyr is a good God. He wants to be in your life and have ‘service and love’ of whatever kind as you wrote. So light Him a candle once a month and be done with it. No more drama or issues.

    • Darkamber says:

      Well, I haven’t met Freyr in this life so I don’t know what kind of Person He is.
      So His reappearance and wanting to be a part of this life, too, makes me feel threatened and anxious. I’m afraid that history may repeat itself.

      Freyr wants to be attended and served, you think lighting a candle for Him will be enough? That He won’t demand I do Work for Him that will take time and attention away from Loki?

      • Salena says:

        You were the one who wrote that He wanted to be in your life ‘in any way’. Freyr IS wonderful, He’s a good god with much to offer.

        Now I ask you this- as you maybe know, there are other Loki spouses who work for different deities. I’m certainly co-spoused. I also do odd jobs for several others. I have several dieties I honor on certain time intervals- one even only asked for once a year! But when it comes down to it, why would your helping Freyr be a terrible thing?

        This sounds more like a personal fear and self-trust issue. Do you trust yourself and your own boundaries? Yes, Freyr is *quite* sexy, but you do have self-will. It’s up to you, again, don’t make this more than it needs to be. If all you feel capable of is a candle once a month then tell Him so.

        • Darkamber says:

          Yes, it is very much about fear.
          I trust myself and my boundaries among humans.
          I don’t trust deities who are complete strangers to me to _respect_ my boundaries.
          I know from experience that a deity can plant an idea in your mind and make it seem like it’s your own idea, and push you into doing something you wouldn’t have done. Self-will means nothing if a deity wants to mess with your head.

          I’ve worked through my fear now, though, and have already met Freyr twice, both in a dream and when I was awake today.

  3. kajanamullein says:

    I’m so glad to hear that :O)!

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