There’s always bloody something, isn’t there…
Loki had planned to free me from the last bits of the Big Block before April 1st. Things did not work out the way we had imagined.
I’ve done quite a bit of pendling and communicating with Loki and my ancestors, in addition, I’ve also communicated with my ancestors via a spirit-worker friend, and received a message from Loki from another spirit-worker friend.
To go back to the beginning:
Last autumn I received hints in dreams about a past life, both from Loki and an unknown woman (goddess?)*, where I had betrayed Loki by being unfaithful to Him with what seemed to be another deity.
Loki wanted me to remember more of “our life together” and that I should do so by having a guided past life regression meditation.
I found someone who seemed ok, and got an appointment at the end of October.
What I found out about my past life, was that Loki had been away from me for a very long time, and I felt very lonely and abandoned.
Then Freyr appears, all shining beauty and sweet words. I want so much to be loved and not be lonely; I’m weak, and let myself be seduced by Freyr.
I got the impression that it was a brief affair.
Then reality comes crashing down on me, and I realise what I have done. I have betrayed Loki, the love of my life. I have thrown away our relationship for a brief fling. I have destroyed myself, for life without Loki is not worth living.
The pain and grief I felt during the regression were so intense it completely knocked me off my feet for four days.
(I wrote about my experience here and here.)
Aprils 1st comes and goes again. Nothing happens.
On Wednesday, I decide to try and communicate with Loki, to see if I can find out what’s going on.
Turns out that my ancestors have put their foot down, and won’t allow Loki to free me from the last bit of the block. WTF?
I communicate with my ancestors. They stopped Loki’s work for my sake, apparently. It’s something about Loki’s and my second marriage that will take place Elsewhere. They want us to be married before Loki crushes the block? WTF?
This is too complicated for yes/no questions.
I contact another Loki-wife who has talked to my ancestors before.
This, combined with a message from Loki via another Lokean spirit-worker, and some more pendling on my part, gives me this information:
My ancestors stopped Loki in His work to free me, because Freyr had approached them and wanted to be a part in my bridal negotiations; He wants to court me.
Why the hell is He interfering with my life, again? Wasn’t one time more than enough? Why does He want to come between me and Loki again, when He knows the utter disaster this caused for me the last time?
My initial reaction is to get so furious that I burst into tears. I also feel deeply hurt, because this rips the scab right off the emotional wound experiencing my past life gave me.
And I feel scared and threatened. I don’t want any suitors, courting me to be my lover, neither deity nor human. I only want Loki! What if Freyr will try to seduce me again, and I’m too weak to resist, because I’m only a mortal human? Can He seduce me against my will? Gods aren’t supposed to coerce you to love them, but do everyone respect that?
Apparently, Freyr still loves me. He doesn’t want to be “unattended”. He wants my service and love no matter of what kind. He still wants to be in my life, in whatever capacity I would like to have Him.
He says He just wants me to be happy, and wants what is best for me.
IMO, if He truly loved me, He would have stayed away from me and not interfered, again.
I do not love Him in this life. I do not want to serve Him. I do not want to have Him in my life, at all.
Loki wants me to talk with Freyr via one of His wives.
“Talk to Freyr and everything will be all right,” He said.
I’m going to do that on Sunday. Not looking forward to it.
*In the dream I saw three women, all in dark grey cloaks or robes with hoods pulled down so I couldn’t see their faces. The woman to the far right showed her face to me. Her face changed and became a stylized wooden mask, with round holes for eyes and the mouth.