Drama – working on blocks

So, this season’s third dramatic incident is over.

Since I’m rather sensitive and quite emotional, it makes sense that my spiritual blockage is made out of emotionally related blocks, and that when a block is dragged up from my subconscious to the surface so that Loki can work on removing it, it gets emotionally intense.

Those terribly upsetting dreams I wrote about earlier were sent by Loki. They drew a large block to the surface so that Loki could get rid of it. He told me that they were past-life related.
Those indescribably intense emotions brought up by the past-life regression, that experience was part of helping me get unblocked.

It’s been incredibly intense experiences, but after about four days it got easier quite fast.

Since there are past-life related blocks, I’m thinking that I blocked myself out of guilt and grief at having broken my oath (dedication? marriage?) to Loki and betrayed His trust in me.
I feel that having “lost” my abilities, and no longer being able to help people, would’ve made matters worse and maybe added more blocks.

In the first scene of the regression I’m young, 16 perhaps. It’s a beautiful summer day, and I’m in a field of flowers, lying down with a young man. I’m barefoot and wearing a simple kirtle (a light colour?). I think the man might be Loki; he’s got long, ginger hair and he’s bare-chested. I’m tickling him with a straw, and we’re laughing. I’m deeply in love and very happy – this seems like a perfect day and I wish it would never end.
In the second scene I’m older (late 20s?). I’m wearing a red dress and have waist-length black hair. I’m standing by a window, looking out at a snow covered landscape. It’s evening. I got the impression that I was a witch of some kind – I had a glimpse of several bunches of herbs hanging in the room – that I helped people in my community, both with herbal remedies, and other things. I didn’t have a husband or children, and I felt very lonely. On one hand I felt honoured by being blessed with abilities that made me able to help people. I had the impression that I thought of these abilities as a gift from Loki, and that He might’ve been my teacher, that there were no witches nearby who I could’ve apprenticed with. On the other hand the responsibility also felt very heavy, especially when I had to carry it alone – I had the impression that Loki hadn’t visited me in a very long time, and that I felt abandoned.
In the last scene I’m even older (30 something?). This inhumanly beautiful, fey-like man is in my house – tall, slender, pale; long, golden hair; the entire man seems to be shining (the name that popped up in my mind was “Freyr”). He’s flirting with me, trying to seduce me, tells me all these lovely things I’ve been longing to hear again for so long. He won’t demand anything from me, no Work, no responsibility and heavy burden; He only wants my love. I want so much to feel again like I did on that perfect summer’s day, to feel loved and wanted and to be in love. So I give in to temptation, even though I have promised to be faithful to Loki.
I got the impression that the thing with Freyr was brief.
There were no scenes after this. Only blackness and how it felt when the full realisation of the consequences of my actions crashed down on me. The grief and pain was almost unbearably intense.
I have a feeling I might’ve ended up killing myself. Perhaps by drowning or hanging, as I’ve had chest pains and my throat have felt constricted during the emotional upheavals I’ve experienced this autumn.

After this last incident, I no longer feel lost and disconnected.
Loki is amazing; even though I betrayed Him in that past life, He has forgiven me and given me a second chance – and this is a god to Whom trust is a big issue.
He has told me that He’s proud of me and that He thinks I’ve been working hard.
He’s told me He loves me, and that makes everything worth it.

About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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3 Responses to Drama – working on blocks

  1. Sorry for posting on an old thread. I’ve been re-reading your blog from newest to oldest and something has just struck me. You think you might have been a witch in a past life, in which you betrayed Loki. In this life He wants you to practice magic but you keep blocking. Are you afraid history will repeat itself? I sense there is deep pain and insecurity about who you are and who you can be. Trust in Loki and trust in yourself. I think one of the best lessons we can learn from past lives is that we have a second chance to do things right.

    Senneferet xx

  2. Darkamber says:

    Oh, the Big Block isn’t something that I have placed there myself – it was caused by a past life trauma. It has been blocking my abilities almost completely, but I’m slowly being able to do more stuff as the blockage shrinks. I’m far more unblocked than blocked, now.

    I wasn’t myself blocking my magick out of fear, but out of disbelief. Before Loki, my mental framework was academical/logical/scientific. I did not at all belief in magick – I though those who did were naive at best and deluded at worst.

    And then Loki comes along and tells me I am a witch and that I have magick, that I can do magick. Major paradigm crash!
    “But magick isn’t _real_!” my mind says, “it’s only something that exists in Fantasy novels!” Also, since I’m a total n00b, my idea of magick was how it was described in Fantasy novels.
    It took me a while to understand that magick isn’t just spellworking, but that astral work, intuition, ESP, divination, visions – all that is a kind of magick.

    Yes, I am insecure, not about who I am, but what I can become. I don’t yet know what kind of talents I have, nor what kind of work Loki wants me to do.
    Loki keeps telling me to believe in myself and my abilities. I keep trying. 🙂

    There is a deep pain, but I don’t know what it is related to. Loki has said that I hurt inside, but I don’t know it (feel it myself.)

    I have trust issues with Loki, but that’s also something I keep working on.

  3. Pingback: Complications « Fire and Ink

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