When Loki visited me in my dreams a while ago, He dropped some clues about us having been together in a past life.
In another dream, an unknown woman gave me some more clues; it had all ended very badly. For some reason I had ended up breaking trust with Loki and turning my back on Him, for another deity, it seemed.
Loki told me He wanted me to remember more of our past together, through guided meditation.
So I booked an appointment, and had my first regression session yesterday.
I had thought that you’d see things clearly, like in dreams, but it was more like the vague impressions you get when you remember what someone told you about something. I didn’t exactly see things as such, it was more sudden drips of info, and I imagined what it must’ve looked like.
I’m not sure if what I visualised was actually memories, or just daydream-like fantasies, though. I saw myself with waist-long black hair and in a red dress – quite like the way I looked when I roleplayed a character called Arisette in some live-action roleplaying games.
The emotions I experienced though, seemed real; they were very intense.
I had thought that if it worked, I’d see/remember something about Loki and me, sort of scenes with the two of us. Instead the major, or the most important memories, were of Loki not being there, and I didn’t know why. I felt very lonely and sad and abandoned. This made me give in to the temptation of the equivalent of a summer fling with another deity (it seemed to be Freyr); I was so lonely, and He was there when Loki wasn’t.
And then I realised that I had thrown away everything I had – my relationship with Loki, my gifts and my Work – just to feel in love and wanted for a short while.
The grief and pain I experienced in the regression was indescribable. And the feelings won’t let go.
I prayed to Loki, hoping He would come to me (in my dreams) when I need Him the most, but He hasn’t so far.
Instead I just feel terribly depressed in addition to feeling lost and disconnected, which I have for a couple of months now. I feel like: what’s the point, why even bother trying…