Originally, Loki wanted us to be married in the beginning of August. Then, in mid-June He suddenly said “Let’s get married next week. On Saturday”. That was fine with me; there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to marry Him, and I had by then collected the few items I wanted for the ceremony I planned, and also made the rough outline of the ceremony itself.
So, on Saturday the 25th, late in the evening, I held a private ceremony in my own flat.
I had expected that there would be a big change after I’d held the ceremony and become Loki’s wife; that something would be different when I awoke the next day.
Nothing was different. The days went by, then weeks, and still nothing changed.
Later I came to understand that things just aren’t that easy. I guess reading all those Fantasy novels had given me false expectations… </snarks at self>
I had read that marrying a deity meant that They wanted you to do some kind of Work for Them, that They would be both spouse and employer. So, I was waiting to be told what kind of Work Loki wanted me to do. I kept asking what He wanted from me, but didn’t get any answer.
As I wrote in the previous post, as far as I knew, I didn’t have any kind of psychic or magical talents or skills.
In the beginning of August I came across the blog “Loki’s Bruid” and contacted the blogger, Bridget. She’s one of the god-spouses who can both hear and see Loki when she’s awake. After a few days, she said that Loki wanted to talk to me, via her, on the chat. (Learning to horse Loki is part of her Work for Him)
“Wait, what, talk to me, directly, when I’m awake, via the internet???” *FLAIL*
Right, okay then.
Spirituality, you’re doing it wrong.
The next day Bridget and I we were talking about spirituality.
From my point of view (only having a secular, Protestant Christian influenced frame of reference) lighting a candle on your god’s altar every evening, praying to him before going to bed, thinking about Him and talking to Him throughout the day – this was being very spiritual.
Loki did not agree at all. He told me (via Bridget) that I didn’t have any spiritual life. What I was doing was ritual, and ritual wasn’t connection. He said I needed to come to Him with an open heart and all the ritual in the world wouldn’t do it.
“Take time for me in the everyday world. Don’t keep me in a separate container.”
I had thought I didn’t keep Him in a separate container…
This, right there, was a major paradigm crash.
A modern, secular POV did not mesh well with the POV of old pagan gods…
“Act like the wife of a god”
So, Loki talked to me, via Bridget (she acted like His secretary, writing down what He said).
Reading the chat log again, I can clearly see how flustered I was; because I misunderstood some things He said, and repeated questions He’d already given answers to. It’s rather embarrassing…
Parts from the talk:
Loki: Act like the wife of a god.
Me: How should the wife of a god act like, then?
Loki: You act as if you have no magic at all. You are a witch, time to act like it. Because ultimately, you need to turn to me, and you don’t.
You are locked shut tight to me. The way into your head is convoluted and the conversation one way. I hear you, I can’t answer.
Me: You told me there was nothing _I_ could do to be able to hear you, but that you could teach me – so couldn’t you make yourself heard if you wanted to?
Loki: Oh ye of little faith. It is a two way street, do I have to do all the work?
Me: How do I open up, then?
Loki: Study your tarot and runes.
I asked Him why He hadn’t told me any of this before, and He said He wanted me to take some initiative.
I, of course, thought that was unfair, since I didn’t know how this was supposed to work, and believed I didn’t have any magic.
Oh, well, we got things sorted out with this talk, and I began to work on my To-Do list, which also included rune meditation and practising warding/shielding. He also preferred that I make my own rune set.
Since then I’ve learned that I have a lot of stuff blocking me, which is why I can’t really interact with Loki when I’m awake. Some of the blockages are also past life related.
More on this in another post.