This is a very interesting subject.
I’ve worked a lot during the past 20 years with changing myself, re-creating myself in my own image, finding out who I want to be instead of who others want me to be, or what I felt others wanted/expected from me.
I reached a point in my mid-twenties where I realised that I really didn’t like myself. It was both on an inner and other level.
I didn’t like my body – which seems weird to me now, because when I look at pictures of myself I had a nice, slim figure. I’m actually more comfortable with my body now, and now I’m overweight.
I didn’t like the way I felt about life, the universe and everything. I spent so much time being angry and bitter and raging against the unfairness of life. I discovered that I had put myself in a victim role, blaming everyone and everything for my problems. I began to read a lot of psychology, to try and find out why I was the way I was, and found out that I very likely had a bipolar II affective disorder. It was even more plausible since there were several cases of unipolar depression on both sides of my family. I was eventually diagnosed as bipolar II when I was 31, and began to get the right meds, and therapy.
When you have a chronic mental disorder, it is important to learn to accept it. It’s no-ones fault, not your family or people around you or society, and it’s not your own fault. It just is, and it shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. There’s no point in finding scapegoats, or having a victim attitude. It’s not easy though, to learn to accept that this is how I am, and that this limits me in certain ways; I have to be careful not to get too tired or exhausted.
Several things are different now that I’m in my mid-forties (thank goodness!). I’m much more patient and laid-back. I’ve managed to let go of the anger and bitterness. I’m allowing myself to be more open and emotional with other people.
I used to be this tight, black, spiky, little ball. Now I’m… er… for some reason the image of a pretty yellow dandelion growing optimistically on a lawn and soaking up the midsummer sun popped up in my mind. Heh. ^_^
Maybe I won’t need a dramatic reconfiguration by Loki. Or I could be completely wrong. ^_^ Only time will tell.