I was an agnostic for 20+ years.
I've had an intellectual interest in religions; reading about how religions evolve seen in the context of the evolution of society and culture in different areas. I thought it was interesting to see the similarities in religions in cultures around the Mediterranean Sea. It was interesting and fun to ponder divine forces that might or might not exist, and the nature of the divine or deities.
It was all just an academic interest of a diletante.
It was the same thing with paganism and witchcraft. I read about it, but had no real interest in it.
I played around with tarot cards for a short while in my early 20s, but didn't find it very interesting.
I had no interest in witchcraft or magic, apart form reading about it in Fantasy novels.
As far as I knew, I was completely headblind; I had no magical or psychic abilities whatsoever.
There were no stories about any in my family having had any kind of abilites either. We were all just ordinary people.
Then, last autumn, seemingly completely out of the blue, I began to wonder if I had a patron deity. The curious thing was that I didn't even pause to wonder why I was wondering about this. I chatted with an LJ friend who's a pagan and who has a patron deity, how I might find out.
I decided to just try and send a prayer to the divine and to my favourite deity Loki, and say "Hi! I'm here! Want to work with me?".
Loki began to show up in my dreams shortly after, and I got this feeling from Him of "Finally! what took you so long!". Looking back, I think the idea of finding out if I had a patron deity was something Loki Himself put in my head.
At the time I had no idea being "god-touched" was rare among pagans; I just thought talking to their gods in dreams were something pagans did.
I was very fortunate in that I during this time bumped into another LJ'er who also had Loki come into her life recently. We chatted a lot about our thoughts and experiences. When you're wondering if it's all just in your head, it helps a lot to talk to someone who's in the same situation.
Then, about three months after showing up, Loki told me in a dream that he wanted us to get married. That really confused me, since I hadn't then seen anything about gods marrying mortals in our day and age.
I began to search the internet and found some blogs written by "god-spouses". If being god-touched was rare, then being a god-spouse was apparently even more so.
The god-spouses I found were all pagans who had practiced divination or some sort of magic before they were even god-touched.
It also became clear that all these god-spouses could actually hear their deity when they were awake! And often see them, and sometimes even feel their touch!
I was baffled. I had no idea that was even possible.
So, what on earth did Loki want with a headblind, former agnostic who could only hear Him in her dreams? Why did He want me to be His wife? I had absolutely no idea. I kept asking, He never told me.
And then there were all the mentions of having a sexual relationship with Loki, more or less from the moment he showed up (I assumed this to happen in dreams or elsewhere since He's non-corporeal on this plane).
Why was my relationship with Loki as good as completely non-sexual and non-romatic? No flirting, no courting, no nothing.
Great. Not only am I the only god-touched Lokean who is headblind, I'm also the only Lokean who can't get laid.
I kept asking Loki "why no sex", and he told me some story about having made a promise to an ancestor of mine about not having sex with her decendants befor marriage. Knowing the customs of pre-Christian Scandinavia, this didn't make much sense, and I suspect the story was something Loki just made up to make me stop nagging.
Oh, well, I thought, things will probably change after we're married.