“You’re a complete bastard, but I love you anyway” – or: another lesson from Loki

On Tuesday I told Loki in my evening prayers that he should feel free to test/stretch/kick at my boundaries, to challenge me in any way I needed. I'm very aware that I have lots of issues and stuff that I need to work on, and I need to be challenged to grow and evolve.

The following night I had an awful nightmare – one of those where you wake up gasping and sweating for a few seconds, only to be dragged back down into sleep, and the nightmare continues.
I can't remember ever having been that furious and bloody violent in a dream before; it was a little bit scary, being shown the murky depths of my own subconscious, though it's not unfamiliar territory.
The nightmare took place in a dark basement – very symbolic of the subconscious – also, dark basements still frighten me a little in RL.
It was the kind of nightmare that kept repeating itself, with some variations.

The problem was, I just couldn't figure out what Loki was trying to tell me, what I was supposed to learn.

I ended up screaming at the non-present Loki: "Why are you showing me this? What does it mean? What am i supposed to learn here? Enough already!"
I then prayed, saying Thor, Sigyn, somebody aid me!
A goddess showed up – i thought it was Sigyn at first – not easy to see what she looked like in the dark – but it wasn't. She looked like the mystery goddess who Loki brought with him as a guest when I let him into my dream-house. I think it is Hel, but I'm not quite sure.
She pointed to a wall in the room we were in – the wall had turned from cement into wire mesh, and there were several walls behind, stretch into the darkness. There was a big hole which went straight through all the mesh walls.
Hel (?) said: "You have a whole in your defences, which you need to learn to patch." 
That was when I had a light-bulb moment.
I understood that what Loki was trying to teach me in a rather roundabout way, was to not let people get to me. He showed me where I was vulnerable, and he wanted me to realise that i shouldn't allow myself to be emotionally manipulated by other people.
He ran me through the same scenario over and over to let me see clearly how I reacted.
Hel disappeared then, and Loki finally showed himself. He wore a neutral expression on his face – I've never seen him like that before – as if he wasn't sure what kind of greeting he'd get from me.
I didn't hesitate; I went right to him and glomped him, and said: "You're a complete bastard, but I love you anyway!"
His expression turned into a huge grin then, as he hugged me back.


About Amber Drake

AKA Darkamber.
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