Confusion…

I’ve learned that it’s the Saboteur who has told me about my past life, not Loki. Loki was not happy about S telling me anything about this past life in which it had been created.
Loki said that S tells half-truths. But He won’t tell me what is true and what is false of what the s have told me. He claims that knowing more about that past life won’t be good for me, but not why it won’t be good for me, in which way.
I don’t understand why He won’t tell me. What could possibly be worse than what I’ve already been told? How can not knowing what are lies and what are truths be any better?

I tried to ask Him via another Lokean on Saturday, if He could at least tell me if what the S has told me about my identity in this past life is true or not.
He gave a message to the other Lokean to give to me. The way He worded the message made it clear He was angry. I have no idea why. I felt offended, angry and deeply hurt.
He answered: “Why the fuck would I answer such a literal question?”
He told me something like, reality is subjective and truths are relative. “There isn’t a market on the truth, no matter how badly you want for there to be. Deal with it. Pick the truth you like.”
This sounds like: there are no real truths; pick whatever you want to believe in, ’cause it’s all lies anyway.
That means that basic facts aren’t true either: I’m not really me, I don’t really live in this city, my mother isn’t really my mother, and Loki isn’t Loki.
Everything are lies and illusions.
So why should I bother to believe in anything, if nothing is really true? If there are no real truths, then nothing I have ever been told by Loki is true either.
If nothing is really true, then life has no meaning, there’s no point to anything, so why bother to make any efforts of any kind. Why not just lie down and wait for death.

Loki also said: “Tell her to find the deep magick within and she’ll know her own truth. It doesn’t come from me.”
WTF does that even mean? I have absolutely no idea how the hell I’m supposed to do something like this.
If who I was in this life is just my truth, then it isn’t a real truth.

I don’t understand why Loki couldn’t simply had said: “yes, it’s true” or: “no, it’s not true” or even: “you’re not ready to know yet”.

I tried to talk with Loki via another Lokean last night. He was still furious with me.
I still have no idea why, because He refused to tell me.
I asked “Why are you angry? What have I done?”
“Nothing,” Loki says.
This could mean He’s angry because of something I haven’t done, something I’ve said, or something I am. It’s difficult to know exactly how precise He is with his wording.
Or it could be the typical answer of Someone who’s angry, but won’t tell you why…

It’s impossible for me to talk with Loki directly, because I no longer have any idea who I’m hearing; Loki or the Saboteur or a sock puppet created by my own hopes or fears.

Well-meaning people have told me to “listen to my heart”. I guess this means something like listen to my feelings/intuition/inner voice. Yeah, like that is of any help when I don’t even know which voice is my own inner voice…
I can’t just feel what is true or false. I just feel confused, tired and hurt.

A past life story

After communicating with Loki, I’ve managed to puzzle more of the story together.
It’s a story I’d expect only to find in a Fantasy romantic tragedy…

I lived in Scotland. I was a witch.
I was one of Loki’s mortal wives, and I had sworn to be faithful to Him and not have any lovers.

Loki told me in a message that Frey is deeply sorry for what happened in my past life, and that it happened for reasons not depending on him.
It had been decided by the Norns. It was both our wyrd to meet in that life, but it was my own decision to have an affair with Him.

Utterly devastated by having destroyed my relationship with Loki by breaking my oath, and by also having destroyed my life, I committed suicide.

What I didn’t know, was that Loki would have forgiven me and given me a second chance, but He didn’t even get the chance because I killed myself.

***

After having calmed down and managed to clear my head, I have realised that there is no reason for me to be angry with Frey. He didn’t approach my ancestors wanting to be a part of the bridal negotiations to make any kind of trouble, or make any demands. He loves me still, and would like to be a part of my life in any way I can accept Him.

Loki says Frey is a very good friend, and that I can trust and love Him. Since Loki would dearly like me to give Frey a chance, I decided to do so, and maybe I could extend a hand in friendship.
I told Them that if it was ok by Loki, I would like to invite Frey to visit me in my dreams, so we could meet for the first time in this life.

On Sunday morning Frey did so. The setting was my grandparents house, where I grew up and think of as a safe and happy place. Frey was standing in front of me, on the other side of a doorway (very symbolic ^_^). He was saying something, but unfortunately it was one of those dreams where it seems like someone has turned off the sound (happens sometimes in dreams when Loki is in it, too). I saw Frey mouth “I’m sorry”. I reached out with my hand, and He took it. Then, on a sudden impulse, I leaned forward and hugged Him.

So, we’re beginning to work things out.

My life do seem to get curiouser and curiouser…

About the Big Block

Loki sent me some awful dreams back in October.

The dreams hinted at sexual abuse, but were symbolic, as far as I know.
The setting where my childhood in this life, and a relative I loved very much.
The dreams made me do some major flailing and angsting, because I was afraid at first that they were literal, and that I had repressed memories.

Bridget did a couple of rune readings for me, and she thought the dreams were symbolic and past life related.

Unfortunately I was panicky and not clear-headed, so I kept angsting until Loki found it necessary to jump Bridget, take her over and talk to me directly.
He told me that the dreams drew a block up from my subconscious, so He could start working on it.
He said the dreams were symbolic and past life related.
It just didn’t make any sense that it could have happened in this one, without even my mum noticing anything different about me, and me having absolutely no memory of it.

So I guess the important part about the dreams where the emotions they created, which were quite intense.

I’ve just read through some old chats and journal notes, and I see that I thought the Big Block was gone. Not so. It’s still there, over three months later, but it’s close to being broken through. I realised that my misunderstanding was due to having misread what Loki said about the block; I thought He had said that “It is a big one. It had to go.”, while He had said “It has to go”.

So, I know that the core of the Big Block is traumatic memories of sexual abuse of some kind.
I don’t know all that much about how things work with past life memories, but I thought that if there was something really traumatic that it would affect you in this life somehow?

I asked how I would remember these memories, and Loki said it would be through dreams.
I had some really grotesque dreams last night.
There were several rather disgusting scenes where I kept pulling some kind of incredibly long organic ropes out of my mouth, with lumps on them, and they all had a large black lump at the end with tendrils/roots in them. These “ropes” became more and more grotesque, too, until they were strings of small, alive, misshapen entities, with teeth and claws and thorns. And it hurt pulling them out; I could clearly feel dozens of stabbing pains inside my torso as I pulled them out.
Very bizarre – I’m not quite sure how to interpret it.

Drama – working on blocks

So, this season’s third dramatic incident is over.

Since I’m rather sensitive and quite emotional, it makes sense that my spiritual blockage is made out of emotionally related blocks, and that when a block is dragged up from my subconscious to the surface so that Loki can work on removing it, it gets emotionally intense.

Those terribly upsetting dreams I wrote about earlier were sent by Loki. They drew a large block to the surface so that Loki could get rid of it. He told me that they were past-life related.
Those indescribably intense emotions brought up by the past-life regression, that experience was part of helping me get unblocked.

It’s been incredibly intense experiences, but after about four days it got easier quite fast.

Since there are past-life related blocks, I’m thinking that I blocked myself out of guilt and grief at having broken my oath (dedication? marriage?) to Loki and betrayed His trust in me.
I feel that having “lost” my abilities, and no longer being able to help people, would’ve made matters worse and maybe added more blocks.

In the first scene of the regression I’m young, 16 perhaps. It’s a beautiful summer day, and I’m in a field of flowers, lying down with a young man. I’m barefoot and wearing a simple kirtle (a light colour?). I think the man might be Loki; he’s got long, ginger hair and he’s bare-chested. I’m tickling him with a straw, and we’re laughing. I’m deeply in love and very happy – this seems like a perfect day and I wish it would never end.
In the second scene I’m older (late 20s?). I’m wearing a red dress and have waist-length black hair. I’m standing by a window, looking out at a snow covered landscape. It’s evening. I got the impression that I was a witch of some kind – I had a glimpse of several bunches of herbs hanging in the room – that I helped people in my community, both with herbal remedies, and other things. I didn’t have a husband or children, and I felt very lonely. On one hand I felt honoured by being blessed with abilities that made me able to help people. I had the impression that I thought of these abilities as a gift from Loki, and that He might’ve been my teacher, that there were no witches nearby who I could’ve apprenticed with. On the other hand the responsibility also felt very heavy, especially when I had to carry it alone – I had the impression that Loki hadn’t visited me in a very long time, and that I felt abandoned.
In the last scene I’m even older (30 something?). This inhumanly beautiful, fey-like man is in my house – tall, slender, pale; long, golden hair; the entire man seems to be shining (the name that popped up in my mind was “Frey”). He’s flirting with me, trying to seduce me, tells me all these lovely things I’ve been longing to hear again for so long. He won’t demand anything from me, no Work, no responsibility and heavy burden; He only wants my love. I want so much to feel again like I did on that perfect summer’s day, to feel loved and wanted and to be in love. So I give in to temptation, even though I have promised to be faithful to Loki.
I got the impression that the thing with Frey was brief.
There were no scenes after this. Only blackness and how it felt when the full realisation of the consequences of my actions crashed down on me. The grief and pain was almost unbearably intense.
I have a feeling I might’ve ended up killing myself. Perhaps by drowning or hanging, as I’ve had chest pains and my throat have felt constricted during the emotional upheavals I’ve experienced this autumn.

After this last incident, I no longer feel lost and disconnected.
Loki is amazing; even though I betrayed Him in that past life, He has forgiven me and given me a second chance – and this is a god to Whom trust is a big issue.
He has told me that He’s proud of me and that He thinks I’ve been working hard.
He’s told me He loves me, and that makes everything worth it.

Past life regression

When Loki visited me in my dreams a while ago, He dropped some clues about us having been together in a past life.
In another dream, an unknown woman gave me some more clues; it had all ended very badly. For some reason I had ended up breaking trust with Loki and turning my back on Him, for another deity, it seemed.

Loki told me He wanted me to remember more of our past together, through guided meditation.
So I booked an appointment, and had my first regression session yesterday.

I had thought that you’d see things clearly, like in dreams, but it was more like the vague impressions you get when you remember what someone told you about something. I didn’t exactly see things as such, it was more sudden drips of info, and I imagined what it must’ve looked like.
I’m not sure if what I visualised was actually memories, or just daydream-like fantasies, though. I saw myself with waist-long black hair and in a red dress – quite like the way I looked when I roleplayed a character called Arisette in some live-action roleplaying games.
The emotions I experienced though, seemed real; they were very intense.
I had thought that if it worked, I’d see/remember something about Loki and me, sort of scenes with the two of us. Instead the major, or the most important memories, were of Loki not being there, and I didn’t know why. I felt very lonely and sad and abandoned. This made me give in to the temptation of the equivalent of a summer fling with another deity (it seemed to be Frey); I was so lonely, and He was there when Loki wasn’t.
And then I realised that I had thrown away everything I had – my relationship with Loki, my gifts and my Work – just to feel in love and wanted for a short while.
The grief and pain I experienced in the regression was indescribable. And the feelings won’t let go.
I prayed to Loki, hoping He would come to me (in my dreams) when I need Him the most, but He hasn’t so far.
Instead I just feel terribly depressed in addition to feeling lost and disconnected, which I have for a couple of months now. I feel like: what’s the point, why even bother trying…

Freakout – Flailing, Confusion and Angsting

This post might be a bit rambling, as I still haven’t managed to pull all of my mind in order…

Turns out I was right; after “Loki being silly” came dreams two nights in a row (Wednesday and Thursday night) that were very disturbing.
It lead to some major flailing and confusion and angsting. If what Loki showed me was true, surely I would have had a hint of memory of it, or showed some signs of it? In the morning when I noticed His presence, I asked Him something like: ”Is this really true/real?” and He answered: “I’m afraid so”.

I tried a couple of rune readings. What I got from it was that the message was misunderstood.
Did it mean that these disturbing dreams were just dreams? (If they were, why the hell did my subconscious throw this at me?) Did it mean that Loki had sent these dreams? But  were they symbolic or literal?
So, I was flailing and wondering, if I had repressed memories and false memories, could I trust all of my other memories? What was true and what wasn’t? If what the dreams alluded to was literal and true, how could I ever trust anyone or anything,or really be safe anywhere ever again?
The longer all these thoughts span in my mind, the further I felt away from reality, until I was just touching the ground/reality with the tip of a toe. I began to question both my memories and my faith; wasn’t anything I’d experienced with Loki real either?

I was flailing at Bridget two nights in a row (Saturday and Sunday). She did a couple of rune readings to try and help me sort it out.

The first evening Loki commented to Bridget: “Why would I send my wife disturbing dreams for the hell of it?”
But what did that mean exactly?
The disturbing dreams were just dreams and not sent by Loki?
Loki did send the dreams? Again there was the problem of: literal or symbolic meaning? Alluding to something from this life or a past life where we were also together?
Bridget’s interpretation of the rune reading was that it was a message from Loki. She thought it might have to do with my past life.
Unfortunately I was too freaked out to think clearly, and got hung up on the idea that this were literal dreams about something that had happened to me in the past, of which I had no memory.
Loki said (via Bridget) I should go see a counsellor.
What the hell kind of councillor do you see about a problem like this?
Counsellor: “So, tell me about your problem.”
Me: “Well, I had these really disturbing dreams two nights in a row, and I’m afraid I have repressed memories of childhood molestation.” [And my divine Husband told me to go see a councillor... er, I think I'll not mention that...]
Yeah, that’s going to go over well, considering most shrinks don’t seem to even believe there is such a thing as “repressed memories”.

On Sunday I talked to my mum about the dreams and my fears, and she helped to remind me of how it had been. It’s extremely unlikely that I had dreamt about something that literally happened, in my childhood.
I tried a couple of more rune readings, and got trial/ordeal and betrayal/crisis.
I asked Bridget to help me again, with rune readings. It seemed that it was symbolical, and past life related.
So maybe it’s a hint about what I’ll experience if  manage to remember my past life with Loki.
Loki used familiar people and settings from my current life to show me something. I think it must be the feelings the scenario evoked that is relevant, then. Shock, horror, profound betrayal and wrongness.

Come to think of it, Loki didn’t say what kind of councillor I should go see, so He may have meant a spiritual councillor and not a shrink. Also, if I had phrased my question to Him: “Is this really real?”, His answer might have meant, yes, it is not just a dream, but a message.
I am going to see a spiritual councillor of sorts at the end of October, when I’m going to try a regression therapy session to see if I can remember anything about this past life that I’ve had with Loki.*

Currently I’m worried that the shock and freak-out caused by those dreams might have made me slam my barriers shut tight again…

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* More on this in a future post.