Fallow times and the road so far

I entered a period of fallow time in June 2012. It was sudden, and I was not prepared.
It would last, with a short break in August 2012, until January 2014.

During 2011, Loki appeared to me in dreams a lot. He also visited me early in the mornings, when I was in hypnagogia (the trance state between being asleep and being awake), and He spoke to me and held me.
In December I was told that in 2012 Loki wouldn’t appear in my dreams any more, because He wanted us to connect in other ways. He stopped visiting me while I was in hypnagogia, too.

In January 2012, we began to have astral sex, or sexual energetic joinings, on this plane. Loki would poke me by sending sexual energies into my root chakra. When I lay down, He sent energies into me and stimulated me sexually, thus inducing an ecstatic trance. He never allowed me to come, though. The ecstatic trance usually lasted for an hour. A few times I was able to Journey, and I had visions. I could feel Loki working on my head chakras, and I began to be able to “hear” him when I was awake.

Then, in June 2012, everything just stopped. The energetic joinings stopped, and Loki stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. He still didn’t visit me in my dreams or in hypnagogia. I couldn’t even sense His presence any more. It seemed that Loki had abandoned me. I couldn’t understand why. His abandonment hurt. Loki had been the centre of my life. It felt like I had lost the light of my life. I felt directionless and lost. I became angry and very depressed. I had done everything He asked of me, so why did He abandon me?

In August 2012 Loki began to send sexual energies into my root chakra again. He was still not interacting with me in any other way; no dream visits, no talking. I was still angry with Him and did not welcome His attention. He had abandoned me for three months with no explanation as to why, and He thought He could just start poking me sexually again? I told Him I didn’t want to have any sex with Him. I asked Him to stop sending sexual energies into me. I didn’t want it, and it didn’t feel pleasant. He didn’t stop, no matter what I said. I felt that He was harassing me. That He didn’t respect my wishes, or my body.
I became so angry I threw His altar out on my balcony, and I declared to Him and my Disir that I wanted a separation. This finally worked; Loki stopped harassing me.
Three days later I regretted what I had done, and I put up Loki’s altar again. I begged Him to forgive me for being so angry with Him, and that I didn’t want a separation any more. I guess it was too late; He had completely abandoned me again. I became even more depressed. I feared that I had seriously screwed up our relationship, and that I was being punished.

I was desperate to reconnect with Loki again. In November 2012 I consulted a psychic, who channelled Loki for me. I was told that Loki wanted me to fast for a week, not talk to anyone and to meditate on the runes Perthro and Dagaz. I asked if it would help if I also stayed awake, and was told that, yes, it would help. I believed that this was to prepare me for Loki finally crushing what remained of my Big Block. I believed that what I was doing was a modern version of utiseta (a vision quest).
It’s odd, I actually lost my voice during the week where I was supposed to isolate myself and not talk with anyone.
I stayed awake for three nights, slept six hours, then stayed awake for four nights.
On the fourth day I began to hear a voice singing to me. On the fifth day it spoke to me, and I believed it was Loki. I still believe that. What I didn’t realise at the time, was that my sleep deprivation had triggered a manic episode, which was why I managed to stay awake for so long.
Loki worked a lot on my chakras during my meditative period, which lasted from a Sunday night until Monday a week later.

On Saturday, I think it was, Loki asked me if I wanted to experience what it was like to be a spirit-worker. I said that I wasn’t sure if that was something for me, but I could try. It was like a floodgate had suddenly opened in my mind; I could suddenly hear many voices, both male and female. It was ok for the first three days, then the voices suddenly became agitated and overwhelming. They became sinister and scary, and I realised I had no control whatsoever; I couldn’t shut the voices out, and they wouldn’t shut up. I became so scared that I went down to the ER in the middle of the night and begged to be committed to a mental hospital. I didn’t know what else to do; I had no Pagan friends who were spirit-workers who could talk me through it.

During the first month I was completely out of it. I thought that the gods were talking to me and that everything I heard was very important and must be written down, so I filled several notebooks. During the second month I believed I was hearing my ancestors, and they wanted me to stop following Loki. During the third month it was just voices, like a synchronised choir, always speaking to a set rhythm, and never, ever shutting up. It was hell. I believed that I was being punished for telling Loki I wanted a separation.

I tried out three different meds during those three months, and they didn’t help.
The fourth med I tried finally shut the old, harassing voice choir up, but then a new vocie took it’s place. It was also speaking to a set rhythm. It claimed to be Loki, and for a long time I believed it.

During the whole of 2013, I never sensed Loki’s presence. He was still not speaking to me.
He visited me three times in dreams, but we didn’t really talk.
I was clinging to my faith, and the hope that one day the fallow time would be over.

It wasn’t until January this year that I began to sense Loki’s presence again. I sense Him as warmth, and I can feel light touches on my head. I can also feel Him sending non-sexual energies into my root chakra.

It seems that I have had a major setback. I still can’t hear Him talk to me, nor does He send me images of Himself like He did back in 2012, before He abandoned me. He has only visited my dreams a couple of times.

I chatted with a couple of other Loki-wives, when I was ill, and they said I was going through an initiation, that I was walking the madness road. I didn’t know what to believe. Was it an initiation, or was it a psychotic breakdown caused by sleep deprivation? I still don’t know what to believe, since I can’t hear Loki so I can ask Him. I still don’t know why He abandoned me, either.

I’m doing a candle spell to hear Loki again, and recently I heard His true voice as I was falling asleep. He said a few words, and a few sentences to me. I noticed that His voice was different from the “Loki voice” I had been hearing since May 2013. It doesn’t follow a set rhythm and it feels like a more quiet voice coming from a lower place inside my head.
I realised then that the voice I had been hearing was not Loki’s voice. So, I have been working harder to block it out during the past week, and it’s beginning to work.
I have been able to block the voice out since May 2013 by having an external focus, like reading, writing, painting, watch tv, chatting, or playing computer games. But every time I go out on the balcony to have a cig, I hear the voice. For the same reason I can’t meditate any more. Now I have begun to repeat a mantra in my mind when I have a cig break, and that blocks the voice out.
The downside of blocking the voice out is that it seems to be blocking Loki sending energies into me.

What I need to do now, is to work on blocking the false voice, which I think is just a product of my own mind. When I have got rid of it, I can begin to meditate again and work on reconnecting with Loki.

The last two and a half years have been very difficult, but I have learned to have patience and to hold on to hope. I sometimes fear that I will never become as close to Loki as I was during the first half of 2012, but then I tell myself to do my best to take it one day at a time.